Thursday, September 23, 2004

In Search of a 12 Step Program

In Search of a 12 Step Program

They say denial is the first step of any real 12 step program. Well... I'm proud to say I'm long past denial and into full on acceptance of a little problem I like to call "Bacheloritis". I'm aware that if I had any sense I'd go back to step one and totally deny that I've watched the season premier of "The Bachelor" last night, but I can't, I'm too far gone. I knew going in I wasn't going to have the same connection with this season of "The Bachelor" as I had in the past. For starters they gave me two men to pick from and when I say 'men', I mean 40 year old men. Not relatably hot! One of them, Jay, looked like he might have been something in his hay day, say when he was 25, but now reminds me of all New York men that I'm surrounded by daily - - of the gray haired, too skinny variety. Not feeling it. And if it's possible, Byron, the professional bass fisherman, skeeved me out even more. No man should ever try and flip their hair out of their eyes with a hair toss. Not attractive, nor is the color of his burnt-to-a-crisp skin. The ladies... my god these frickin' ladies! I immediately believed that I couldn't imagine anything more pathetic and sad then a bunch of 30-something women compete for an over-the-hill man (circa "Marry Our Dad"). So you'd think with these two very important factors I'd chalk the whole thing up as a wash... a total downer, if you will. You'd be wrong. Not only did I continue to watch, but I increasingly became more attached. But in the car accident variety.

When we first are introduced to the 25 women in the house you could almost be led to believe you're watching a nose job convention. Every single one of these noses looked remarkably like an advert in the back of Cosmo. Not to mention all of the other plastic surgery that abound. So now we have 30-something year old women, tons of plastic surgery, drinking booze all day, desperate for a man (come to think of it, give me another 10 years and they've got a new member). "The Bachelor", which is obviously trying a new formula since their old one has gone bust, still manages to fall under some character similarities. For starters, Krysta (insert gag here) is relishing in the Trish role of Bachelor's past. At first I can appreciate her need to "shit talk" and pretty much agree on her opinion of Kristie, the bar owner with a fucked up mug. But eventually I can see she's too much. She's crying out with insecurity, which might have something to do with her looking like a snapping turtle.

Like I said earlier, I suffer from "Bacheloritis", perhaps it's the rush I felt when I won the Bachelor pool two seasons ago when Meredith picked my horse, Ian. Maybe it's the satisfaction I get that Jen Schefft went to school with me and represented bobcats so well. Whatever it is, it's not limited to "The Bachelor", but in fact all reality television (and god knows there's a lot of this stuff going around). My addiction to reality television as a whole (for gods sake I even watched UPN's "The Player") is right up there with my addiction to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and shopping. In fact, right now I can imagine my idea of a perfectly good time would be cracked out, smoking cigs while buying a shitload of reality paraphenilia on eBay. Uh... I'll be right back... Because of this little problem, I'm canny to know ridiculous facts about this crap. Like one of the ladies, Alma, already represented herself on "Single in the City: LA". Why do these people keep making the rounds? I sort of liked Alma in "Single", but last night all I kept thinking was Alma definitely needs to pretty it up, I mean, who chooses to let the first time they wear their glasses be at the rose ceremony. C'mon Alma! Think! But Alma wasn't far from being alone in the ladies that could use a little beautification program of their own. There was Lisa, the 33 year old teacher. This has got to be a farce (maybe even a dramatic twist in the works), cause there is no way this woman isn't old enough to cash in on a Golden Buckeye card). And alas, the acrobat... what was that?

At one point we are introduced to Andrea, a dental hygenist with a freakishly rock hard body. GOD BLESS IT, we've found our newest Christie (think the crier from the Guiney franchise)! I'm super excited and it is officially after she has said the words "I've already purchased 8 feet of silk for my wedding dress" that I am h-o-o-k-e-d, HOOKED! She's got a lot of schizo up in her and she is not afraid to let it out. I watched her in anticipation of tears and lord knows that girl did not disappoint. She cried more then a few times last night. She felt it. She felt it BAD! Is it possible that someone can be that oblivious to reality? I'm thankful this is so. It will make for entertainment in the weeks to come (assuming she can ride the wave longer the Kristie did with Guiney)!

Later in the evening at the rose ceremony Byron (whom I've neglected to congratulate for winning the title over Jay of the new "Bachelor") gives a rose to one of the ladies and a coyote cries out in the distance... the crowd "aahhhs" to this and Byron (being the wordsmith that he is) tells this lady she "(pause) must be (pause) the spirit (pause) of the (pause) wolfe" (t-t-tt-t-TODAY, Jr!). while I'm busy thinking that the bar owner, Kristie, reminds me of one of those over-the-hill strippers I've seen at Private Dancer (a low class titty bar in Ohio where you have to bring in your own sauce so they can lawfully take off their panties), Byron, suprisingly hands the following rose to Kristie. This is the point I found ironic, when Kristie accepted, a whole bunch of dogs started barking as if on cue. Dogs! Ha! God love the ABC interns for cuing the dogs!

There's only one more rose to go. While girls who had seemed completely unaffected by Byron are now tearing up uncontrollably, I sit and wish with all my might that this last rose can be given to my favorite new unstable player, Andrea (please god, please, let there be justice, Andrea, Andrea, say it, Andrea)... "Andrea, will you accept this rose?" GOD YES, YES, YES! I already feel like a winner! The damage has been done, my DVR has been set, and me and these ladies are going on this wonderful ride together!

I can't be certain but the teaser at the end showing me weeks to come appears to include a suicidal drowning (GOD I hope they're just not trying to get me to tune in! They better not be fucking with me. God let them DELIVER!) If there ever was any uncertainity about my committment to this seasons "The Bachelor", it has been lifted. In the following weeks I will do my best to set a personal ranking, just for my own personal gratification. I've been a winner before, no reason this season should be any different. The real question is who's taking the suicidal plunge. Safe bet's on Andrea. I'm going with that for now.

And just when I thought my time with "The Bachelor" was over for now, they deliver while the credits are running - - a killer one on one between the desheveled Alma and Byron. God love you Alma, keep twitchin'!

Game over playa! Don't hate the game, hate the playa!


Blogger tezzy said...


You failed to mention the gal that was a dog groomer. That was a good one!

September 23, 2004 at 1:22 PM  
Blogger Kiki said...

She whispered the whole time and reminded me of my stepmom’s sister, Scarlet… I’d just as soon forget her…

I’m glad to see you’re keeping up on your reading, now put that comment to use and put it up on the blog. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CONQUER IF YOU WON’T COMMENT!? I’m not going to tell you twice!

September 23, 2004 at 1:23 PM  
Blogger tezzy said...


September 23, 2004 at 1:23 PM  

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