Monday, September 20, 2004

Shooting Star

Shooting Star

I've sometimes thought it's possible to gain weight just by looking at some people (but apparently not so much by ingesting mass amounts of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, and Dunkin' Donuts in one Sunday post pot afternoon, but alas I digress...) And if asked who I thought was most capable of making others gain weight just by the sheer sight of them I would say it hands down would be Star Jones (I mention this in italics because it's the only way I can imagine conveying in written form the sheer annoyance that she would pronounce her name in both "girrrrlfriend" tone and third person reference). Imagine my horror yesterday when what should have been a perfectly good hour to zombie out at the television, was interrupted by Miss Thang (uggh, hate her) in her pre-Emmy red carpet show. Not only was she wearing "Summer Chinchilla" (uhh? Check the calendar you mastiff!), but she somehow managed to not only kiss more white ass then one African-American should ever be required to. And SUPRISE, Star Jones managed to mention her upcoming nuptials (aka elaborate ruse to marry off a heavyweight to a homosexual) with every single person that was forced to approach her. At first I found this humorous that she was able to turn a conversation into one about herself so quickly and thought about taking some notes, but quickly found myself on the verge of screaming at her and continuously throwing my hands in the air and making "she would say that" grunts. I quickly realized there was no need to even try to keep count of all the times Star Jones spoke about herself, because it was an entire hour of Star Jones devouring Star Jones! And speaking of "devouring", people were acting like she was ready to give Kate Moss a run for her money. "Look how skinny you are Ms. Thang!" recently plumped Debra Messing laments only cajoling Star Jones to humbley (all be it transparently) reply, "Oh please, girrrrllll, 'skinny' and 'Star Jones' don't belong in the same sentence!" (FINALLY, for once that's a statement I can agree with her on, but once again she had to go and refer to herself in third person!) But just as soon as I was about to ease off of her I noticed she returned from the next commercial break no longer wearing her over-the-top-I-hope-Payless-doesn't-fire-me "Summer Chinchilla". I can only deduce that someone from E! alerted her to the fact that her neck appeared to be missing for the preceding segments and it was in Star Jones' best interest to ditch the furry floaties! Too bad this didn't make any difference. In conclusion, I did not think it was possible for my pent up anger to progress any further... but girrrrrl, I was wrong!


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