Thursday, December 02, 2004

You Can't Always Get What You Want

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I have a sickness. It's called "wanting what you can't have" and I've got the class 3 variety of this debilitating disease. I've had it since I was a child and I could document point by point all the specifics that stick out as being catalysts to making my ills full blown.

It probably started with having an older brother and having to wear my dresses paired with his fucking tube socks (or "quitters" as we call them), maybe it has more to do with getting the red headed Cabbage Patch kid, when I wanted the blonde one to match myself, or just maybe it has something to do with growing up in an extremely affluent white neighborhood with only one parent to my name (but that is more in reference to psychobabble explanations then I plan to go here).

It could be seen as early as in elementary school when everyone was decked out in Michael's Kid Stuff clothing and had a Laura Ashley for every day of the week. My mom wasn't a shopper, so I only had about 3 jumpers or dresses to my name. My bows were never the biggest (Amber and Robin, you take that prize we well know) and I was one of the last to have the ever popular Ching Chang (I would so bring that game back... picture it drunk at a bar). There were a few things I beat people to; Converses in 3rd grade (excellent turquoise halfsies), the double sided phone in 4th grade, my period in 6th grade (that one they could've had), a Wrangler before I even turned 16, and the Alma bag from Louis Vuitton as an adult... so needless to say my disease was not born out of neglect here. I at some point learned the tricks of the trade in working over my Mom and can usually count on this to suffice in a pinch.

As an adult though I find this sickness transpiring to include mainly clothes, jobs, drugs, and boys. My idea of fashion puts me in much nicer threads on a day to day basis then I currently sport (paired with a Balenciago bag on the crook of my elbow would be nice). I've been asked to interview for many a dynamite position, such as Ingrid Sischy's Assistant at Interview or jobs that put me between here and Miami on a regular basis with celebrities. Usually left to my own devices of fucking it up with a number of "um's" and "so there's that's", leading me to constantly wish I had those jobs instead of my current standing obligation. Whenever partying you can be sure that I will want whatever stimulant or depressant I don't have (although I believe this to be common on the circuit).

And quite possibly the biggest threat to my recovery any time soon would be my want-what-I-can't-have-itis regarding the male persuasion. I've had this addiction for years. Probably thanks in part to Merrell and his bright yellow sweatpants who in 2nd grade would always answer my quest of "going together" with a "yes, no, maybe so". That kid knew how to work me over and probably planted the friggin' seed. In high school my adoration for my best friend, Rob was seizure inducing at times. Only to be dulled when he finally wanted to try things out. Over the years I've found myself having the longest "relationships" (I use that term very loosely) with those who aren't exactly as kind as they could be to Kiki. Hell, all of college I played the waiting game with my boyfriend, Phil, wanting to stick around long enough for the illusive change that of course never comes. Once again, wanting what I can't have. I like to tell myself this is due to a messiah complex of sorts, which makes its entrance every now and then. If they have a girlfriend, then consider me golden. Somehow I do my best work with this sort of gent. Never intentional, but always successful. But will I "have" them, of course not... they're already "had", so of course I want it.

I won't likely fall into that trap again. Or will I? I had finally decided that I maybe, just maybe, could be interested in a good friend of mine who has always struck me as "just so damn nice", which in the past appears to have been a deal breaker. Many would say this is a sign of maturity and chalk it up to growing up, but we know this to be false... I'm currently thinking of drinking games involving a Ching Chang, how grown up could I possibly be? So what happens as I go back and forth with trying to figure out exactly what my feelings may or may not be? Some damn girl asks him out to dinner and it appears to be taking.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE!!!

13 Comments:

Blogger tezzy said...

ok, first of all Merrell's 'yes, no maybe so' would have scarred me too so I don't blame you for the permanent damage that was done. Secondly.....and most importantly, Robin's bow never compared to mine. I dominated in that category and we have Candace to thank for it!

December 2, 2004 at 1:53 PM  
Blogger Kiki said...

Yeah, but you never got a "yes, no, maybe so" from Merrell did you... no you didn't! You were too busy putting in your big bows and playing 4-square with John Tait! And what do you know... now you and Adam are immoral cohabitators! Damn those tube socks!

December 2, 2004 at 2:03 PM  
Blogger tezzy said...

I never played 4-square with John Tait. Just arm ball with Peter Frost.

December 2, 2004 at 2:14 PM  
Blogger Kiki said...

I believe he went by PJ Frost back in those days... LIAR!!!

December 2, 2004 at 2:25 PM  
Blogger tezzy said...

wrong again.....Peter in elementary and PJ as the older, more sophisticated middle schooler. Stick to your informal friends!

December 2, 2004 at 2:28 PM  
Blogger Kiki said...

I knew you'd make this about informal versus contemporary classrooms. You always do.

I'll tell you one thing I DIDN'T want that I didn't have... a CONTEMPORARY upbringing. You can take your Mrs. Glenn and rows of desks, I'll keep my loft and bathtub filled with pillows!

December 2, 2004 at 2:37 PM  
Blogger the ijc said...

not to toot my own horn here, but this is maybe the most blatant confirmation of my "big shift" theory (see below) that i've ever heard.

congrats kik's...you're growing up!

http://ijc.typepad.com/ijc/2004/11/the_big_shift_f.html

December 2, 2004 at 3:38 PM  
Blogger Kiki said...

And to think not so long ago my biggest goal WAS to have someone support my online gambling habit. You're so smart, IJC... I fell right into your trap.

If you write about this post on your site I'll hunt you down (shouldn't be too hard, I'm just going to assume Windsor Court) and force feed you Tasty D for days!

December 2, 2004 at 3:53 PM  
Blogger Manhattan Transfer said...

Score one for the ever watchful IJC.

December 2, 2004 at 8:42 PM  
Blogger the ijc said...

admittedly, i was VERY tempted to write about this. common sense won out (there's a first time for everything) and i decided not to start a blog war. i don't need to be dodging bullets every time i head to the loews kips bay.

windsor court? please...i thought you knew me better. i'm a man of the people.

December 3, 2004 at 10:51 AM  
Blogger sparklemotion13 said...

Hold on, little Amber. . .my bows DID compare and if you need proof we still inhabit the same block, so consider it on when we get home for christmas!
who do you think you are?

December 3, 2004 at 3:00 PM  
Blogger Kiki said...

Robin, if memory serves correctly, you were about the headband with the attached bow, while Tezzy sported the two GIANT bows on the side... blame it on Candy Candella Tesner!

December 3, 2004 at 9:54 PM  
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