Thursday, September 30, 2004

You're Hired!

You're Hired!

I just went on a stealth mission job interview (another fine example of why I should be employee of the year, nevermind that I was gone for over two hours) and the following phrases and words were used throughout the interviews at a minimum of one time:

Fuck, fucking, fucker
Dick
Blackberry (every other sentence)
Didn't get laid this weekend

Needless to say I am hoping they loved me as much as I loved them...

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Is Kathie Lee Involved?

Is Kathie Lee Involved?

While Leslie Bautsch (that's B-A-U-T-S-C-H) was debating her status of a "Tier 4" versus a "Tier 1" she received a call on Monday night that we were sure meant she had arrived at at least "Tier 2". We were wrong... or were we?

"Hey Tino! this is Dwayne, Darrell's friend. I basically wanted to find out about the cruises and stuff, because Darrell said you go on the cruises and stuff. I want to find out where I can go and the best agencies and stuff like that and mostly if its like a single cruise. I was told they are the best cruises. I wanted your advice basically. 347-623-XXXX. If you could give me a call back."

Tino... Dwayne... Darrell? Excellent! It is for this exact reason that I will not be posting the last four digits, unless someone emails me and records the conversation then I will be happy to deliver. Are they discussing drug runs, gay escorts, Rosie O'Donnell's new cruise line? I have no idea, but would love if someone could get to the bottom of this... STAT!

PS. For the record Leslie Bautsch is a confirmed Tier 1!

Tattletale

Tattletale

Not only guilty... but a tattletale to boot!

Inbred County Lock Up

Inbred County Lock Up

Why do they insist on kicking my lady when she's down. It's bad enough they're sending her to the clank, and even worse that they wouldn't put her up in Danbury or Florida, but to send her off to West Virginia? I most definitely do not approve!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Apologies = Good Graces!

Apologies = Good Graces!

Well, apparently people are smart and realize Operation Faze Out is not a kind side of the fence to be on. I have just received the following apology from target numero uno, Kim Lagy, who shall once again have their name changed for anonymity:

Hi.
I actually tried to call you but the number that I had did not work-or it would not let me get to your voicemail. It was weird
[ed. That's totally "weird", if by "weird" you mean "a lie"]. It was a super crazy and annoying weekend anyways-to be honest with you, it would have been really difficult to get away from the people we were with in order for me to see any of my friends. They had EVERYTHING planned out for us [ed. LIE]. I am planning on heading back to NYC hopefully in November for a weekend of seeing friends. Don’t take offense to me not calling-honestly; I tried to call you and Davey on the same night. Believe me, I wish I would have seen you and hung out!

There was more, but it was more boring then the lie. I accept, but I just wish that if people were going to lie, they would be more creative about it... that's all I'm saying, so take heed people...

Tezzy Gets a Shake Up... Or Does She?

Tezzy Gets a Shake Up... Or Does She?

Tezzy says she didn't feel the quake... maybe you shouldn't eat so many peeps early in the morning...

Life Sucks Outside of the WB

Life Sucks Outside of the WB

I am officially in mourning...

According to the New York Post:
"THE O.C" star Benjamin McKenzie is trying to break into movies. McKenzie just landed a starring role on commercial director Phil Morrison's feature film directing debut, "Junebug." That's not all that's new for McKenzie. Over the weekend, the blond actor was seen cuddling up to "Everwood" starlet Emily van Camp over din ner at Ago in Los Angeles."

I ask that you respect my need for privacy right now.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Saget-Coulier in '08

Saget-Coulier in '08

When Bob Saget borrowed my cell phone this past spring, I thought it might just be all down hill from there on in Kiki's life. The pinacle of a rather ordinary life peaked by hearing first hand the touching song "Danny Tanner is Not Gay", while Ashley Olsen sat just off behind me. He was funny, he was magical, he was even hot (according to J de G). But thank God I was wrong. There was still more to come yet:

"Saget back in ABC family with sitcom Damon Wayans and Don Reo, the duo behind the ABC/Touchstone TV hit comedy "My Wife & Kids," is staying in the family comedy genre with a new project for ABC and Touchstone to star another familiar ABC face, Bob Saget. The project, which has received a script commitment from the network, centers on a divorced dad (Saget) who takes custody of the kids [ed. Saget raising a couple of kids on his own - It's so fresh, it's genius!!!]. Wayans and Reo are writing the pilot script and will executive produce. Saget, who starred on the ABC sitcom "Full House" and hosted the network's long-running unscripted series "America's Funniest Home Videos," is repped by WMA. Reo is repped by Paradigm."

[Courtesy The Hollywood Reporter]

Tornado Kristine Touches Down

Tornado Kristine Touches Down

This past week was apparently one designed for natural disasters. After Hurricane Mary-Jane ripped thru town this past Sunday, Saturday night was followed by Tornado Kristine, an out of town friend of Robin's (nee Robyn) who crashed at my place for the weekend as well...

We shall start at the very beginning...

Friday night was marked by my rather spacious studio (again, I stress "studio") being occupied by a total of 5 visitor's, 4 of whom I had never met three hours prior. I was three deep in my small bed with Robin and Kristine (note to self: unless something extracurricular, my bed is not meant to comfortably sleep that many).

The following day (the one the twister decided to strike down upon) was slow to start and I found myself catatonic until about 11 PM. Robin, Kristine, Leslie, and I met some friends of mine up on the Upper East Side (a rare event we travel in this direction). Robin and Kristine left a bit later and traveled downtown to meet a few of Kristine's fellow New Hampshirer's at Marquee (where she was later kicked out of - we speculate a girl fight went down). I was back to my place before Robin and Kristine struggled in at around 5:15 AM. Kristine was in definite zombie mode and trying her best to find the bathroom that apparently laid deep within the confines of my closet. Robin had had enough after being slapped and kicked several times by a blacked out Kristine. Eventually Robin got Kristine to the couch and I thought the worst of it was over. I was so very wrong. At 7:51 AM Robin and I awoke at the exact same time to Kristine running into the coffee table, followed by her immediately passing out onto her face on my hardwood floors. It's safe to say she had yet to sleep anything off. Kristine eventually came to and once again made a beeline for my closet (aka her hopeful future dumping ground). Thankfully she was stopped, but this caused her to go into a tailspin of confusion. I watched her like slow motion as she spun around and around (hence the reference to her cyclone like destruction), knowing all the while that this was not going to be pleasant. I worried about my fragile bar that hung to the wall like a loose tooth, that would be certain disaster at this speed of momentum, the stairs she was sure to ignore and trip up or down. I knew what was going to happen, and slowly it all played out for me as Kristine's body weight came full force ("flying squirrel" style) onto my bookshelves. She flattened those suckers like she had fallen on a cardboard box. Shelves were everywhere and my rows and rows of high heels were scattered around Kristine like lost shell casings. And where was Kristine? On top of the shelf face down once again uttering a silent and sleepy "ow, ow, guys?" We stared at her and each other for over a minute trying to comprehend what we had just witnessed. I contemplated snapping a photo, as I had grabbed my phone out of habit, but decided this could be an inappropriate situation, especially when the irritating voice from phone shouted "say cheeeese!" Oh, how I wished I had thought differently. Robin ushered Kristine to the real bathroom where we left her passed out, bare-assed on the toilet. It gave us a few hours rest and we figured that was probably the best place to leave her anyway. She awoke not three hours later completely chipper and most oblivious to the weapon of mass destruction she had become after a little Jameson. Needless to say, she's welcome any time!

Check Out the Bloodline Before You Buy the Cow, Brit!

Check Out the Bloodline Before You Buy the Cow, Brit!



I've mentioned before that I'm psychic... well Britney, I can see into your future and it's going to be hairy. All this talk about chicken fingers, boom boxes, track suits, ass-baring reception dresses, and cash bars... people seem to have overlooked possibly (although arguably) the most regretable dub-t factor of the wedding... Mr. Federline's "do"n't!


Moving to the West Village!

Moving to the West Village!



Yesterdays edition of the New York Times detailed the recent splurge of sex shops opening in the West Village. Anybody up for an afterwork porn shop crawl? Leslie, it'll be just like old times! We can even pretend we have a bachelorette party to attend if it makes you feel better...


9/11 & The Pentagon

9/11 & The Pentagon

I didn't have an opinion either way regarding this video when I watched it (seems to me the families missing passengers on the jetliner can refute this theory), but I have since had an absurd amount of trouble getting this post to appear, so it makes one wonder...

Happy B-day Carl Backes!!!

Happy B-day Carl Backes!!!



If anyone sees Triple Nipple Backes today, pass this onto him and tell him I said Happy Birthday!


Suarez

Suarez


J de G, check out the business card that was passed on to me last week. Haven't heard his name in a long time...


Friday, September 24, 2004

Kobe's Words

Kobe's Words

The official full transcript of the Kobe Bryant interview with Detectives...

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

Myself (along with everyone in my office) just heard a coworker, Frank, shout on the phone to a client "PRETTY SOON I'M GOING TO HAVE TO MARRY YOU, CAUSE I GET FUCKED MORE BY YOU THEN ANYBODY ELSE!"

What's Good for the Goose is NOT Good for Kiki

What's Good for the Goose is NOT Good for Kiki

I'm saying it right now if this is true (and I'm going to assume that everything in Page Six is true) I will not be a happy lady. J de G, Schwarzenegger can't do this, can he? What will I do without foie gras? First he outlaws necrophilia and then this, what's next?! I can't stop crying... Someone must stop the remaining Beatle and Arnold before he goes and ruins all of my favorite things!

RIP Club Secrets

RIP Club Secrets


It's been a sad week in C-bus, a sad week indeed. With the impending weekend I cannot imagine how Columbus' lowly crumugeon will occupy their time now that the shack known as Club Secrets was burnt down. Stars to the UA Fire Department for putting out the blaze. Columbus has truly lost an iconic part of it's downtown gentrification... (I can currently be seen pouring one OE for my lost homey)!

In other news... it appears Columbus has it's dirty hands all over extracurricular activities...


Same Sex in the City

Same Sex in the City


Looks like Miranda loved the ladies after all...
[NYDN court. Gawker: Told Ya So: Cynthia Nixon Chows Box]


Speaking of lady loving... thanks goes out to Bridget. When I remembered that Robin was coming to stay with me this week, Bridget said to make sure I shaved my legs and my bikini. Lesbian joke... funny... totally laughing over here... bitch!


Thursday, September 23, 2004

Life Lesson

Life Lesson



Bridget McNeil was telling me yesterday on my walk home from work about the days "Oprah" episode. She said she will never view life the same. I wondered what topic could have shifted Bridget's psyche so dramatically (but first I wondered why Bridget was watching "Oprah" in the first place). It turns out Oprah was doing a show on the new bestseller "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys." I hadn't yet heard about this book, but was all too familiar with the "Sex & The City" episode where Berger uses this tagline as an answer to a request for advice from Miranda. I quickly got Les on the phone to see if she had heard of it. Given her career at the Soap Opera, she was able to catch the same program (now I'm twice dumbstruck that I actually consider people best friends who view "Oprah". Who knew?) She informed me that I could catch the program again on the local 55 later that evening. I detoured on my way home to Borders to see what all the fuss was about. I couldn't possibly imagine asking an employee for help finding such a thing... at first. I was told the book was on back order and watched as a 70 year old woman behind me in line asked for the same thing (lady, time to put up the gloves, match over!) Turns out this whole time I've been a "tier 4" and wasn't even concerned (this would be the definition of "fuck buddy" according to the book or 'bible' as some may tout). I wanted to read some reviews before I went ahead and wasted my money on a book telling me that a guy didn't like me (come with the answer of how to change this and I might put a penny in your pocket).

And while I was searching the web for articles, I ran across an old friend I once had admired from afar a few years ago. Please, please tell me what is this? And is he single? Turns out I may not need the book after all!


It'll Take a Lot More Then That...

It'll Take a Lot More Then That...

Can she just get this shit over with already? Hmpf, Star Jones!

In Search of a 12 Step Program

In Search of a 12 Step Program

They say denial is the first step of any real 12 step program. Well... I'm proud to say I'm long past denial and into full on acceptance of a little problem I like to call "Bacheloritis". I'm aware that if I had any sense I'd go back to step one and totally deny that I've watched the season premier of "The Bachelor" last night, but I can't, I'm too far gone. I knew going in I wasn't going to have the same connection with this season of "The Bachelor" as I had in the past. For starters they gave me two men to pick from and when I say 'men', I mean 40 year old men. Not relatably hot! One of them, Jay, looked like he might have been something in his hay day, say when he was 25, but now reminds me of all New York men that I'm surrounded by daily - - of the gray haired, too skinny variety. Not feeling it. And if it's possible, Byron, the professional bass fisherman, skeeved me out even more. No man should ever try and flip their hair out of their eyes with a hair toss. Not attractive, nor is the color of his burnt-to-a-crisp skin. The ladies... my god these frickin' ladies! I immediately believed that I couldn't imagine anything more pathetic and sad then a bunch of 30-something women compete for an over-the-hill man (circa "Marry Our Dad"). So you'd think with these two very important factors I'd chalk the whole thing up as a wash... a total downer, if you will. You'd be wrong. Not only did I continue to watch, but I increasingly became more attached. But in the car accident variety.

When we first are introduced to the 25 women in the house you could almost be led to believe you're watching a nose job convention. Every single one of these noses looked remarkably like an advert in the back of Cosmo. Not to mention all of the other plastic surgery that abound. So now we have 30-something year old women, tons of plastic surgery, drinking booze all day, desperate for a man (come to think of it, give me another 10 years and they've got a new member). "The Bachelor", which is obviously trying a new formula since their old one has gone bust, still manages to fall under some character similarities. For starters, Krysta (insert gag here) is relishing in the Trish role of Bachelor's past. At first I can appreciate her need to "shit talk" and pretty much agree on her opinion of Kristie, the bar owner with a fucked up mug. But eventually I can see she's too much. She's crying out with insecurity, which might have something to do with her looking like a snapping turtle.

Like I said earlier, I suffer from "Bacheloritis", perhaps it's the rush I felt when I won the Bachelor pool two seasons ago when Meredith picked my horse, Ian. Maybe it's the satisfaction I get that Jen Schefft went to school with me and represented bobcats so well. Whatever it is, it's not limited to "The Bachelor", but in fact all reality television (and god knows there's a lot of this stuff going around). My addiction to reality television as a whole (for gods sake I even watched UPN's "The Player") is right up there with my addiction to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and shopping. In fact, right now I can imagine my idea of a perfectly good time would be cracked out, smoking cigs while buying a shitload of reality paraphenilia on eBay. Uh... I'll be right back... Because of this little problem, I'm canny to know ridiculous facts about this crap. Like one of the ladies, Alma, already represented herself on "Single in the City: LA". Why do these people keep making the rounds? I sort of liked Alma in "Single", but last night all I kept thinking was Alma definitely needs to pretty it up, I mean, who chooses to let the first time they wear their glasses be at the rose ceremony. C'mon Alma! Think! But Alma wasn't far from being alone in the ladies that could use a little beautification program of their own. There was Lisa, the 33 year old teacher. This has got to be a farce (maybe even a dramatic twist in the works), cause there is no way this woman isn't old enough to cash in on a Golden Buckeye card). And alas, the acrobat... what was that?

At one point we are introduced to Andrea, a dental hygenist with a freakishly rock hard body. GOD BLESS IT, we've found our newest Christie (think the crier from the Guiney franchise)! I'm super excited and it is officially after she has said the words "I've already purchased 8 feet of silk for my wedding dress" that I am h-o-o-k-e-d, HOOKED! She's got a lot of schizo up in her and she is not afraid to let it out. I watched her in anticipation of tears and lord knows that girl did not disappoint. She cried more then a few times last night. She felt it. She felt it BAD! Is it possible that someone can be that oblivious to reality? I'm thankful this is so. It will make for entertainment in the weeks to come (assuming she can ride the wave longer the Kristie did with Guiney)!

Later in the evening at the rose ceremony Byron (whom I've neglected to congratulate for winning the title over Jay of the new "Bachelor") gives a rose to one of the ladies and a coyote cries out in the distance... the crowd "aahhhs" to this and Byron (being the wordsmith that he is) tells this lady she "(pause) must be (pause) the spirit (pause) of the (pause) wolfe" (t-t-tt-t-TODAY, Jr!). while I'm busy thinking that the bar owner, Kristie, reminds me of one of those over-the-hill strippers I've seen at Private Dancer (a low class titty bar in Ohio where you have to bring in your own sauce so they can lawfully take off their panties), Byron, suprisingly hands the following rose to Kristie. This is the point I found ironic, when Kristie accepted, a whole bunch of dogs started barking as if on cue. Dogs! Ha! God love the ABC interns for cuing the dogs!

There's only one more rose to go. While girls who had seemed completely unaffected by Byron are now tearing up uncontrollably, I sit and wish with all my might that this last rose can be given to my favorite new unstable player, Andrea (please god, please, let there be justice, Andrea, Andrea, say it, Andrea)... "Andrea, will you accept this rose?" GOD YES, YES, YES! I already feel like a winner! The damage has been done, my DVR has been set, and me and these ladies are going on this wonderful ride together!

I can't be certain but the teaser at the end showing me weeks to come appears to include a suicidal drowning (GOD I hope they're just not trying to get me to tune in! They better not be fucking with me. God let them DELIVER!) If there ever was any uncertainity about my committment to this seasons "The Bachelor", it has been lifted. In the following weeks I will do my best to set a personal ranking, just for my own personal gratification. I've been a winner before, no reason this season should be any different. The real question is who's taking the suicidal plunge. Safe bet's on Andrea. I'm going with that for now.

And just when I thought my time with "The Bachelor" was over for now, they deliver while the credits are running - - a killer one on one between the desheveled Alma and Byron. God love you Alma, keep twitchin'!

Game over playa! Don't hate the game, hate the playa!


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Yo, yo, yo... Walker's in da House!

Yo, yo, yo... Walker's in da House!

I received a call yesterday from the infamous Robin (nee Robyn - and yes I plan on doing this every time in the future that her name is mentioned) Walker. I hesitated and pulled the old screening routine that I'm so infamous for. I feared that she had somehow been made aware that I posted the photo of her recently from her Friendster profile (although I was nothing but complimentary - so against my nature, really). Why did I fear this to be the case? Could it possibly have been due to the mass amounts of Beaujolais Les and I sucked down or the fact that I had a hard time seeing thru the smoke that clouded my apartment last night? So, in short, we'll chock this one up to a little side effect known as paranoia? Likely! Once the screening process had been performed and I saw that she was calling to say she'd be in town soon, I returned the call. Turns out Robin is flying in from LA on Friday to do some work in the City from Monday thru the following Friday and needs a place to crash. I obliged and just as quickly as I had said "no problem", I instantly was filled with the most certain image of me riding alongside Robin bareback on a jackass in the hills of Guadelara before the weeks end... if you care anything about me, start putting together a search party now... I don't want y'all fucking it up when Robin's successfully convinced me that I might as well be a complete poser unless I attend a donkey show in Tijuana! Also, thanks to Bridget for suggesting this might be the weekend of my first lesbian experience. Appreciate it!

She Should Have Kept the Hood On...

She Should Have Kept the Hood On...

It's innocent fun, but worthy of a laugh all the same. Again, kudos to the ladies over at Go Fug Yourself for this one.... kudos!

[Go Fug Yourself: Fugly is the New Pretty]

Oh-A Oh-A, Oh-A Oh Oh-I

Oh-A Oh-A, Oh-A Oh Oh-I

It's amazing how I keep getting saddled with annoying people. After Star Jones, if you asked me who next I find scratch-your-skin-tweakworthy annoying, it would have to be Gloria Estefan. I can't put a face on it, but I think the reason has something to do with the Sound Machine. Rachel said Gloria E. wouldn't leave her place last night and was dancing non-stop until 3 in the morning... apparently besides annoying she's also psychic... she predicted the rhythm was gonna get you...

Ladies Night!

Ladies Night!

Just a squirrel trying to get a nut...

[courtesy of Lindsayism]

Who Knew? Apparently Everyone!

Who Knew? Apparently Everyone!

Are you f'en kidding me... So THAT'S why he stopped calling?! I feel like the carpet has been pulled out from me and now the room is spinning... I think I'm even starting to sweat a little bit... Mommy!

The system works people... DO NOT mess with MY system... THE SYSTEM WORKS!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Musical Chairs

Musical Chairs

Way to go Rachel... all this poor girl wanted was a seat and you guys had to go and push her out of the way. I was upset at first that I backed out of going with you, but with this kind of publicity, who needs it?!

My friend and I were at Marquee for Pat Fields Candies party. The event was a disaster and no sooner were we getting a much needed buzz, a body guard informed us that someone was sitting where we were sitting. I looked for a reserved sign but there was none. I said 'I know, I am sitting here" to which he responded by forcing me out my seat to make way for Victoria Gotti, her wax figure sons and Lizzy Grubman (who is going to hell for sure) and the entire crew of her reality show. We then moved to another corner of the place only to be greated by Puffy's mom and her entourage. At that point we were so panic stricken we booked it before Lil' Kim made her entrance.
[Gawker]

Dead Woman Walking

Dead Woman Walking

It's doomsday for Martha...

Princess Superstar

Princess Superstar

For those of you who know me and my Faust-like connection, today's Gawker 5x5 interview should make you laugh.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Shooting Star

Shooting Star

I've sometimes thought it's possible to gain weight just by looking at some people (but apparently not so much by ingesting mass amounts of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, and Dunkin' Donuts in one Sunday post pot afternoon, but alas I digress...) And if asked who I thought was most capable of making others gain weight just by the sheer sight of them I would say it hands down would be Star Jones (I mention this in italics because it's the only way I can imagine conveying in written form the sheer annoyance that she would pronounce her name in both "girrrrlfriend" tone and third person reference). Imagine my horror yesterday when what should have been a perfectly good hour to zombie out at the television, was interrupted by Miss Thang (uggh, hate her) in her pre-Emmy red carpet show. Not only was she wearing "Summer Chinchilla" (uhh? Check the calendar you mastiff!), but she somehow managed to not only kiss more white ass then one African-American should ever be required to. And SUPRISE, Star Jones managed to mention her upcoming nuptials (aka elaborate ruse to marry off a heavyweight to a homosexual) with every single person that was forced to approach her. At first I found this humorous that she was able to turn a conversation into one about herself so quickly and thought about taking some notes, but quickly found myself on the verge of screaming at her and continuously throwing my hands in the air and making "she would say that" grunts. I quickly realized there was no need to even try to keep count of all the times Star Jones spoke about herself, because it was an entire hour of Star Jones devouring Star Jones! And speaking of "devouring", people were acting like she was ready to give Kate Moss a run for her money. "Look how skinny you are Ms. Thang!" recently plumped Debra Messing laments only cajoling Star Jones to humbley (all be it transparently) reply, "Oh please, girrrrllll, 'skinny' and 'Star Jones' don't belong in the same sentence!" (FINALLY, for once that's a statement I can agree with her on, but once again she had to go and refer to herself in third person!) But just as soon as I was about to ease off of her I noticed she returned from the next commercial break no longer wearing her over-the-top-I-hope-Payless-doesn't-fire-me "Summer Chinchilla". I can only deduce that someone from E! alerted her to the fact that her neck appeared to be missing for the preceding segments and it was in Star Jones' best interest to ditch the furry floaties! Too bad this didn't make any difference. In conclusion, I did not think it was possible for my pent up anger to progress any further... but girrrrrl, I was wrong!

Red Sonja's Road Trip!

Red Sonja's Road Trip!

You mean to tell me that there is not only one, but two people on this planet that want to marry Brigitte Nielsen?! And here I thought that "The Surreal Life" was like a friggin' train accident I couldn't look away from... VH1 is totally onto something with this latest catastrophe... consider it TiVo'ed!

I Bleed Black & Gold

I Bleed Black & Gold



South Arlington, Old Arlington, Lower Arlington... doesn't matter what you want to call it, we dominated Upper Arlington as a whole. Meet me at Miller Park...STAT!


Kevin McAllister Get's Popped...

Kevin McAllister Get's Popped...

I wasn't sure if it was because he only had lawn furniture to sit on in his apartment or his insatiable love for Thursday nights at Don Hill's, but I knew there was a reason I loved this boy...

Kingsboro, lets call him and congratulate him...

Chicken Fingers & Ribs...wha???

Chicken Fingers & Ribs...wha???

I can understand the need to do things quickly, but chicken fingers...???

Sneed Need Weed! Sneed Need Feed!

Sneed Need Weed! Sneed Need Feed!


Hurricane Mary-Jane made her way all the way north to NYC yesterday making a direct hit at my friends apartment and leaving a path of destruction and what can only be described as bulimiaism in her wake! It's safe to say this amount of KFC has put us at the top of PETA's short list, it's either cause of that or the dog we almost dognapped when we could have eaten anthing in sight...


Friday, September 17, 2004

Nice Beakers, Lady!

Nice Beakers, Lady!


Holy shit Tesner!!!!! This just passed thru my grubby little hands (carnie size, really). It's none other then the infamous science teacher of Yore, Mrs. Jim Snyder and one Rand (aka "Biscuit Head). It has to be said that this has been cropped down from an original photo casting of all "Joneser's" (notice I wasn't invited to partake!)

Notice the sandles??? I know, how could you not!!! (also is there something similarly spooky about her and El-Train? Maybe the posture?)


The OC

The OC


Last night was the kick off for another fabulous season of television crack: "The OC". Last nights freebasing began with the special, "OC: Obsess Completely". I was a little disappointed that Schwartz acted as if Luke (the butter of the show) never even existed, not to mention Anna, but I'll take my crank, choade, clavo, smack, albino poo(?), any way I can get it!

And as if I need to add another addiction to my already full grown list, I watch "Jack & Bobby" for the first time last night... kudos! It's cracktastic!


"And I Stopped Pumping..."

"And I Stopped Pumping..."

Can you say, GUILTY!

I'm Rick James, Bitch!

I'm Rick James, Bitch!

I have to say, I NEVER saw this one coming... Shocked, shocked I tell you...!

In Fact, It Ain't E-Z Being A Ho

In Fact, It Ain't E-Z Being A Ho

I was finally able last night to view the acclaimed documentary "Atlantic City Hookers: It Ain't E-Z Being A Ho" on HBO. I was immediately struck by the narrators voice... "We now meet TAAASHAAA". Pretty sure he's a regular patron. As it turns out that prostitutes are a deep well of wisdom and words to live by. I have taken the liberty of jotting down some notes so that their knowledge can be passed on. We begin with Tia, who as it were, seems to not dabble in the what at first appears to be a prerequisite for employment: drugs and babies. Tia focuses on the goal and delivers her mantra of "finance before romance." Got it. Just in case you were having any trouble remembering those three very important words, she dumbs it down for you "don't stare at the bulge in the middle of the pants, focus on the bulge at the side of his pants." How right you are, Tia! Just a few short moments and we are introduced to Sunshine (do you think that's her given name?). Sunshine is a 40 year old woman without eyebrows, teeth, and apparently hair, as it is visable she is wearing a wig which she repeatedly brushes while walking down the track. Sunshine's not picky and is a firm equal opportunity employer, it seems her way of gain is thru the old trusty barder system. Given her unfailing crack habit, Sunshine will give it away for $5, a cigarette, or a hit. And no worries fella, she assures you they're dentures, so you're getting your monies worth! We learn thru the Sunshine and her peers wisdom that white guys, in fact, are likely to cum the quickest. You don't say? A woman named Christina delivers her background of au pairs, country clubs, and big houses and proves that hooking is not discriminate. In fact even someone with the belief as say "when I grew up I wasn't allowed to swim in an above ground pool. It's considered low class" can have a future in the world's oldest profession. Good to know. It turns out it's hard on the streets and if you choose this line of work (as all the ladies assume you are thinking of doing), you need to be prepared for a life of drugs and debt, unless you're like Lisa, cause she ain't dirty. And don't come looking for Tia to pull you out of it either, she has stood firm in her belief that she is, in fact, not "Captain Save A Ho"!

I leave you with probably the most profound thought from once again, the brains in the bunch, Tia: "There's no way I'm giving half my money to no pimp! Is he gonna give half this blow job?!" Tia says pimp, I say it sounds like Uncle Sam... just saying...

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Dennis the Menace

Dennis the Menace

The following pictures come from one of the funnier sites around! My guess is he thought he was performing back up for the Zack Attacks or Hot Sundae...
[College Humor]

Belding + Booze

Belding + Booze



Two Beldings in one building, one of whom is balding?


He Better Not let Lisa Turtle Drive...

He Better Not let Lisa Turtle Drive...




Dennis Haskell Rocks Out

Dennis Haskell Rocks Out


Nothing Like a Good Piece of Necro...

Nothing Like a Good Piece of Necro...

And this just became illegal??? Way to go Ah-nold!

Yummmm Sliders!

Yummmm Sliders!

Why am I not the least bit surprised by this! Never let it be said that Crave Cases aren't dangerous!

Kung Fu at It's Finest...

Kung Fu at It's Finest...

It's hard to say why this has caused me to laugh so hard for the last hour...

I Suck At Bowling...

I Suck At Bowling...

So, I entered work crying this morning. I'm crying not because of my mild hangover after several pitchers of Stella, and not because on the way to work I heard a garbage man shout "Hey, where can we take a leak?" while he simulated jerking it, and not because I'm close to getting my period and running into everything in sight... but the reason I was crying was out of pure hilarity that ensued from last night. Myself and the five other non-Jewish people that live in Manhattan went to Bowlmor Lanes. It is customary to give one shoe up at Bowlmor in a not-so-good-faith way of making sure they get back their spiffy shoes (which by the way I love). I had worn chucks in, but also brought a pair of flip flops along (as I always do out of survival mode with stilletos). Leslie Bautsch had entered the alley in flip flops. When it was time to leave my lovely friend, Les, had kindly brought me my flip flops which I had mistakingly forgot at the lane. I took these and rushed down to smoke while I waited for the others. Minutes later, Brendan and his girlfriend came down and told me the others were hanging out inside and they didn't think they were coming down. I hailed a cab home (note: sadly, they were just locking up 33 when I arrived, Bastards!). This morning when I was leaving for work I noticed that Leslie had given me one of her flip flops and one of mine. That sucks! But later in the cab on the way to work, I noticed this wasn't the case at all. In fact, Leslie had given me one of her flip flops and BOTH of my flip flops! How was walking home missing a shoe last night, Les? HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHA HAHAHA

Flip Flops

Flip Flops



HAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA


Weekend At Bernies

Weekend At Bernies


Hahahhaha Hahahahah hahahahaha.... Roy.... Bernie.... Bernie.... Roy....HAHAHAHA HAHAHHAHAHAH HAHAHAHHA


Wednesday, September 15, 2004

This Just In...

This Just In...


Robin
Originally uploaded by Kikinyc.

Robin (nee Robyn) Walker has just added a new photo to her Friendster profile. It sort of reminds me of one of my senior picture outtake poses. Robin is nothing but fabulousness. My favorite part of her profile is when it say to describe yourself, Robin only wrote:
"Jail. 4.15.04"

God, Love her!

Under the Banner of Heaven

Under the Banner of Heaven


I am currently finishing reading a fantastic book, "Under the Banner of Heaven" by John Krakauer. In "Banner" Krakauer details the Mormon religion and more specifically Fundementalist Mormon's and their lock on polygomy and rampant inscest as a consequence. Due to this topic I have officially read the most vomitous passage ever (cover your eyes):

"Even more than in other fundamentalist Mormon groups, incest is a common practice among the Kingsboros (oops, sorry Johnny, Kingstons!). Clan leaders promote it to 'purify' the Kingston bloodline, and birth defects are rampant as a consequence. Genealogical researcher Linda Walker says that Kingston women have reported giving birth to 'BLOBS OF PROTOPLASM' [ed. note: wha??? friggin puke!!!], and 'having eight or nine pregnancies without ever giving birth to a living infant. The leaders of the clan of course blame this on the women, characterizing it as punishment for their sinful behavior.'"

Excuse me while I clean up the roush all over my keyboard...

Working?!

Working?!

I know you'll hardly believe it, as I am having a hard time believing it myself, but this is the first time I've had free today. Frankly, I haven't been busy (and that's realitively objective) in three or so years. Work has kept me pretty busy the last two days. Last night I attended the Johnny Cash/June Carter Cash auction at Sotheby's. A less then stellar turn out in my opinion. I am told that most of the bidding was over the phone, but I'd like to point out that I only saw 7 or so in the bid bank, not to mention there were less then 30 people on the floor. At any rate, saw some lovely ensembles, sheet music, lyrics, and an infinity of guitars. The greater part of today I spent at Christie's at their Post-War and Contemporary sale. I purchased one painting and am quite proud of myself. Rachel had invited me to the Patricia Field's show for Candie's at Marquee last night that Lil Kim was performing at, but turns out it's a good thing that I decided Real World was more important, because by the time my actual lot came up I was already having enough trouble keeping my eyes open, regardless of the Wessleman paintings and their many erect nipples.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Pointdexter on the Violin...

Pointdexter on the Violin...

Variety reports today that Adam Brody and McG are in talks to remake 20th Century Fox's "Revenge of the Nerds". I say this is a bad idea from the start, as it has never been more obvious that you can't expand on perfection.

Clap your hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands!
We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu

We come here on stage tonight to do a show for you
We've got a rockin' rhythm and a high tech sound

That'll make you move your body down to the ground
We've got Poindexter on the violin

And Louis and Gilbert will be joinin' in
We've got Booger Presley on a mean guitar

And a rap by little old me Lamar
We've got Takashi beating on his gong

The boys and the Mus are clapping along
And just when you thought you'd seen it all

Along comes a Lambda four feet tall

Dukes

Dukes



Word on the street as of today is that Jessica Simpson has officially been signed to play Daisy Duke along side Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott. The real question is will these two make the cut???


Sticky Fingers

Sticky Fingers



PLEASE TELL ME HE'S WEARING PANTS!!! PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME HE'S WEARING PANTS!!!


Carol Seaver Takes a Tumble

Carol Seaver Takes a Tumble

The Smoking Gun sites Tracey Gold (aka Carol Seaver's) DUI arrest earlier this month, in which her oldest child sported a broken clavical. Defamer makes a poignant commentary: didn't Carol Seaver learn anything when her boyfriend (Matthew Perry) died in his own drunk driving accident?

God Bless Tait & EEON!

God Bless Tait & EEON!

It was one thing when John Tait (aka Tater Tot) drug a cat from his car when we were in high school, but even Tater Tot wasn't as unstable as this man...

I Like Your Nurse's Uniform, Guy...

I Like Your Nurse's Uniform, Guy...

Hey Bottleneck, although old news, would you have imagined that your most favorite male, Jason Schwartzman, would end up with our favorite lady, Zoey Deschanel? I can't believe they're together... "O.R. they?"

Noel's Comeback!

Noel's Comeback!

J de G, finally Noel is getting the credit he has long deserved...

Moostache

Moostache




What up Cappy!

What up Cappy!




Glamour Shots

Glamour Shots


I've found tons of proof that Glamour Shots really do work...


Don't Jump Davey!

Don't Jump Davey!


We all tried to tell Davey he couldn't really fly... but would he listen?


Monday, September 13, 2004

Great Doc!

Great Doc!

Yesterday I killed time before my flight watching the documentary "Chernobyl Heart" on HBO. I knew absolutely nothing about Chernobyl other then it had to do with radioactive material and was stunned when I when I saw this rather short doc. I pride myself that in another life I'd like to be a homocide detective and I had trouble even viewing these children who were alive in this documentary. Chernobyl has created genetic mutations that have produced children (all of which are shown thouroughly and repeatedly) with such things like a child whose brain was growing entirely outside of their scull in a seperate sack. I was extremely close to changing the channel because of how foul (although sad) some of these sites were. The woman who is in charge of the Chernobyl Heart program is a living saint and I highly recommend watching this document if the time and your stomach allow you to.

Next up on my doc list, "Atlantic City Hookers: It Ain't E-Z Being a Ho!"

A Dirty Shame

A Dirty Shame


"A Dirty Shame"

"A Dirty Shame"

John Waters, the genius that brought such cult classics as "Hairspray" and "Pecker" is about to deliver his newest creation, "A Dirty Shame" starring Selma Blair, Tracy Ullman, Chris Isaak, and Johnny Knoxville. Defamer and Gawker Media have created their own seperate blog to countdown and delve into all aspects of the film that explores the tiny minority of head trauma sufferers who become sex and fetish addicts after the fact. "A Dirty Shame" opens in theaters September 24th!

Cleveland Rocks!

Cleveland Rocks!

I have finally returned to the City after a long and highly eventful (read: hotel bar) weekend in Cleveland. Because of last weeks events (i.e. suckiness), I should have seen this one coming, but the overriding optimist in me ignored such signs. My arrival into Cleveland was not greeted by my family, but rather a phone call saying that they were currently still out to dinner (thanks for waiting) and suggest that I take a shuttle to the hotel as opposed to them picking me up. I'm pissed at this point and would like to turn around and return to the City before even hitting baggage claim, but as it turns out I'm officially the last person in the airport at this point. Once I've retrieved my bag I make my way to where I am told the hotel shuttles line up for pick up. Only problem, I see no Radisson shuttle like I had been promised. The Cleveland Clinic driver informs me that one has to call the shuttle to arrange a pick up. F! I don't even know where the hotel is, let alone where I currently am. I quickly put in a call to my (by this point disowned) family. My brother assures me that someone named Herbert in a black van will be there shortly to pick me up. After about another 20 minutes (total elapsed time outside of baggage claim: 45 minutes) the chariot arrives. My concern is that this is a full size conversion van and not what I expected, so I quickly make my way to the passenger window and inquire if he is in fact "Herbert". The exact moment that name left my lips I was already aware that my brother not only was leaving me at the airport to fend for myself, but wanted to make me look like an ass in the process... he answered with a "huh?" There was no "Herbert". I boarded the shuttle with several flight attendants and a pilot who discussed Priests and their penchant for touching little boys the entire drive. I at one point overheard the driver telling the hotel that he had the flight crew and "some random lady" (i.e. me). Not pleased... and hungry!

Although I entered Cleveland in a huff, it quickly dissipated when conversations of my late dinner took place with my mother. I believe she suggested Bennigans all of twenty times, but I pushed thru to one of the other options located directly across the street from my hotel and traipsed over to my beloved Chili's (I'm still reeling over Times Square disposal of this establishment)!

The following morning I had agreed to play in a scramble at the local golf course. It is affirmative that I officially still suck at golf, although I did shoot one under by the first nine (including several balls that I teed off onto a neighboring course). My Mother thinks I'm ready for the professional circuit: "Representing Historic Butternut Ridge in North Olmstead Ohio"... The rest of the day I was subjected to wearing my golf ensemble all throughout the East Side of Cleveland and repeatedly watched as onlookers gawfed at my "goucho pants" as my sister-in-law kindly named them. I have never wanted so bad to be attired in something else and if there ever was any question as to whether or not I like boys or girls... let's just say the outfit (not to mention the golf), didn't make my case any easier!

My Mother (who was asked awkwardly earlier by an elderly Saks worker to identify whether she was a "Mrs." or a "Ms.") insisted that I use the navigation system in the car, which turned out to be a big mistake like I had projected. I know a fair amount of Cleveland and knew at least enough to be certain that "Dora the Explorer" (as my mother calls her navigator) was taking me on a scenic route. The others only agreed when it was visible that I had done a giant circle backtracking only to appear where I had originally told them I thought I should exit. After a day of shopping (and cursing my wide legged jams), we decided it was beyond time to head back to the West Side to prepare for dinner. I knew that the best way (fastest way) to return to the highway was to pass by my Ex-Boyfriends Mother's house, Dora didn't agree, and thus the democracy of Dora, my Mother, and Sister-in-law won out over me. Needless to say, once again I was correct, but no one else in the car fully committed to agreement until Dora had not only taken me through the ghetto where I blasted old school Snoop Dog out the windows and repeatedly hit the brakes to simulate hydraulics as to embarrass my mom (who by the way was still wearing her rather attractive golf visor), but off towards the airport and literally through the "Departure" drop. I am not kidding when I say the navigator suggested the only way I could return to the hotel was to go up past the Continental desk itself. It's possible my Mother wet her pants before we reached where the shuttles were and it's even more possible that Erica (my Sister-in-law) by this point was blowing steam out from her ears. Either way, I was amused.

Later that evening after a nice dinner of twin boiled lobster tails (and watching my mom steal my glass of wine everytime her friend/keeper, Ellen, left the table), we returned to the hotel and waited for the wedding rehearsal to finish and follow suit. Ellen, my Mom's friend (i.e. no authority), suggested that I had had enough to drink at dinner (read: 3 drinks in 3 hours) natch. Biscuit Head and I in turn, out of defiance and retaliation, charged the rest of the evenings drinks (including the wedding parties) to her room (sorry boutchya El-Train)! At one point, I noticed when I called the hotel bartender, Laureen (notice 2 e's), over that under her stunning blazer she was sporting a bonafied black see thru swimsuit (circa Perry Ellis 1984), this was backed up by Erica who all too quickly identified the make, model, and year.

I noticed the following day that as it turns out, middle America rather likes their sweat style capri's. I have a theory for this. I noticed while eating at Red Robin (home of the "bottomless fries") that not only was everyone in the place aggressively overweight (could it be the free refill on the taters perhaps), but every single last one had some sort of capri on, mostly of the sweat suit variety. This obviously is because of it's give. We had all been viciously commenting on the man whose duty it was to be the runner of the food and hoping that he didn't sweat in our food. Little did we know that the sloth would hold on to my meal last and proudly display it to me with the words "this is my latest obsession"! Disgusting!

Later this evening as we once again hit the ever popular hotel bar. My best friend Laureen was there, but this time was joined by her partner in crime, Jeaneene. At this point I have to assume that all North Olmstead names end in this "eene" sound. Let's just say that I am quite certain that Jeaneene and her zip up work vest are also a big fans of those sweat capri's, if not their biggest supporter! I took my usual/reserved seat at the bar. Needless to say, when you drop $100+ bones on someone elses room (which equals about as many drinks in Ohio), you get respect and constant attention from the barstaff. At one point I forgot my room number and Laureen quickly reminded me "Room 209" (appreciate it, Ellen)! It's always fun to be surrounded by classy people like myself. At one point I heard a gentleman tell Laureen "I'll take the green backs, you keep the coins". If I were Laureen I would have pounced (but then again, we've already established I wasn't even paying for my drinks!)

My brother's friends wedding (held at the local German Cultural Center, Donauschwaben's) went off without a hitch and had many small details that I found amusing, including a guy who while speaking to my brother (the connection unbeknowest to him) pointed to me and proclaimed "See that Blonde? I'm going to hit that shit all night long!" I believe he thought I was sending him mixed signals when he tracked me down and ripped off his jacket and shirt to show me his tatoo, "I got this in Egypt," he said, "but there are no archaeologists that know what it says!" "I sell ancient Egyptian antiquities," I told him, "I can tell you what it says, it says 'Get your money back!'" We did have a moment! They ended up having liquor left over I heard, which is shocking, but satisfying that it means they didn't even come close to the alcohol intake ingested at my brother's wedding. The Country Club stands by their statement that the Meyer-Sneed nuptials still hold the club record for liquor sold! Told you we loved the hootch, not that I'd remember!

All and all, I sumise that middle America is overpopulated with mostly overweight white trash and chain restaurants. But you won't hear me complaining. I could, with all certainty, find myself in a comfortable and most enjoyable rotation between Chili's, Red Robbin, and Bennigan's. I better go find my capri's!


(*also in a twist of blog irony, the infamous finder of Fang She's cat, Mrs. Snyder, was spotted at the wedding, along with every other teacher from Jones Middle School!)




These were located at the entrance of the reception. Note to self: no mannequins at wedding...


Thursday, September 09, 2004

Mrs. Snyder Was Clearly Not Harsh Enough!

Mrs. Snyder Was Clearly Not Harsh Enough!

I just went into my bathroom at work to make sure I avoided any ugliness on my upcoming flight and someone has a paper box upside down in a stall on the floor with a sign that reads "Do not remove it!"... I just had shuddering flashbacks of Fang She and the cat she hid in her locker in middle school!

boys

boys


My boyfriend just called and he has friends in town for the weekend... don't all jump at once!


Just One More Reason!

Just One More Reason!

I just received a sturdy scolding (nee whining) from my boss because I did not run and get his nasal wash (insert dry heaving here) as quick as he would like. Mind you this took about two whole seconds, which I can prove since I am now required to sign in and out of my office to prove I'm on the up & up. Needless to say, I'm fashioning a noose as we speak...

Remembering the Virgin Vault...

Remembering the Virgin Vault...

It can be said in all truth that the mere mention of words like "Morning Zoo", "Jimmy Jam", and "Shawn Ireland" are enough to get my stomach a little queasy... but I just wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I didn't share the new OU Fight Song they've created to celebrate Ohio University's #5 placement as a top party school from the Princeton Review... I remember it all so fondly... vaguely... but fondly!

MacGuyver is Pretty Popular Today!

MacGuyver is Pretty Popular Today!

I can understand why I would reference Richard Dean Anderson, in fact, I can almost guarantee that to be a weekly thing given his status as a proud bobcat... but color me shocked and pleasantly surprised when one of my favorite sites Go Fug Yourself: Fugly is the New Pretty mentioned the renaissance man in their picking apart of Sienna Miller's latest ensemble vomit. These girls never fail to speak my language...

Book 'em!

Book 'em!

This time an MTV reality whore has gone too far, TOO FAR man!

It was one thing when that fat ass, Donnell Langham, tried to beat the shit repeatedly out of his under age girlfriend, mimicking when Abram bitch slapped the crybaby:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/dlangham1.html

And I even giggled incessantly when the world's most effeminate "man", Dan Renzi, took the time to put down the hamster and watch a movie:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0506041renzi1.html

But this time, Real World's current spaz, Langdon... a horse, son?:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0908041_real_world_1.html

Meatloaf, Mac & Cheese!!!

Meatloaf, Mac & Cheese!!!

The Banterist with his witty repartee "Election 2004: Food Service Analogy", provides a nice reference regarding the lesser of the two evils. Coincidentally, I've been told before that I make the best meatloaf (thanks to Martha). I'm just sayin'....

And ps, my side dish would always be Mac & Cheese... ummmmm cheese...

Mormons Rule!

Mormons Rule!

Word on the street is the worlds smartest Mormon, Ken Jennings, has finally met his match. Either that or Trebek wanted him to bow out so they had more time to take romantic walks together...

Home Alone

Home Alone

Well, call me psychic but I was competely on the ball yesterday when I said the rest of my day was going to suck... I just had no idea exactly how bad it could suck! After cleaning up the boss man's slop and later his afternoon tea (never mention this practice directly to me, as I am pretty sure my reaction will be most unpleasant), I trekked on thru my day of doing, well... pretty much nothing. I decided to put in a late afternoon call to my boyfriend from college to alert him to my arrival in his city. It took me approximately 12+ hours to gain enough courage to make the call and although I was shaking like Julia Roberts pre orange juice in Steele Magnolia's, I managed to dial the number, only to find out from one of his roommates/brothers that he had moved to Conneticut for the summer. Now at this point a quarter of me is relieved, a quarter of me is sad, and the remaining half is down right pissed that he not only took my advice and moved to Conneticut (which by the way, I wrangled by asking his brother if he could move in with him in the first place), but he has been 3 hours away for months and not once bothered to call. I reside in a little thing I'm going to call "closure denial". With the end of this phone call came the end of my work day. It was still raining profusely outside and I decided to throw on my flip flops and walk home (as the subway had not proved a fun experience in the morning). I had managed to make it one whole block when the marble curb became like ice to my flip flop (Mrs. Todd really should have included wet marble in her warnings about wet leaves being just like ice). If you have ever had the pleasure of ripping off a toenail, then you know just how bad if fucking sucks. I'm pretty sure there is no greater pain, other then perhaps an ill temperatured bikini wax!

I made it home only to realize that my door was no better off then when I had left it in the morning. I bought a fancy tool at the hardware store and began to shave every edge I could manage. Lo and behold, the problem is not the door as much as it is the "saddle" (I have been made aware of it's offical name after much complaining this morning) and some sort of metal piece afixed to the underneath of the door. This is not a problem easily solved by the likes of me, even though I did graduate from the same college as the esteemed Richard Dean Anderson. I decided my only option was to leave the door ajar, so as to avoid calling my Super in the morning asking for her to run at the door full speed to release me. Throughout the night I received a knock from a man alerting me that my door was open. This prompted me to worry for my safety. I quickly wrote down a note of the man's particulars (I believe I mentioned his seemingly "beady eyes"). I wanted him to be held accountable just in case anything should happen throughout the night. I've been watching 4 solid days of CSI and I'm pretty sure I know how to catch my own killer with the right precautions premortem. After I put the note in an inconspicuous location. I stewedged a chair just so under the doorknob so that I wouldn't make it quite so easy to reach my fruits. I then grabbed my trusty hammer and took it to bed with me. It must be said that this is not the preferred hammering I usually like to take place in my bed! I thought about other options to secure my safety and though it was probably likely that if I slept in my jeans, he, the rapist, might just have as hard a time getting them off as I seem to be having getting them on lately. I tried my best to figure out just what Kevin McAllister would do in this situation. All I needed at this point was a paint can and a string and had I had a cutout of Michael Jordan I would have afixed him to strings and made him dance around with my other cut out people all night. My plan was simple, the chair would alert me to the intruders arrival, at which point when he had reached my stairs I would jump to the foot of my bed, which knock down my bookcases on top of him, which I would then walk on top of him weilding my sturdy hammer and run to safety!

Say it with me:
"I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no good keister off my property."

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

It's Affirmative: I Hate My Job!

It's Affirmative: I Hate My Job!

MSN has an article today giving their top ten pointers in their riveting article "Ten Tips for Coping with a Job You Hate". I have chosen to address each of these tips (aka: nonsense) in regards to how they relate to me...

1. Set weekly goals for yourself.
My weekly goal is simple. It is simply to just make it until Friday where like Fred Flintstone when that taradactal (or whatever sort of prehistoric bird that is) sounds the alarm that the work day is over and a long weekend of drinking can begin.

2. Do one thing each day to help you reach your goals.
The best thing I can do to help me reach my goal is to save on the money I spend on lunch during the week, so that I have that much more to spend on booze and cabs come Friday.

3. Give yourself "me time" before work.
I usually like to do this at night before I go to bed… but I’m always one for mixing it up.

4. Create a diversion for yourself in the office.
I'm pretty sure that’s what I’m doing right now…

5. Use your time to develop your skills.
Here, here… I've almost perfected my beat box!

6. Blow off some steam.
I’m going to assume this means taking half-hourly smoke breaks. Check!

7. Treat yourself.
Perhaps if somebody paid me more this could come to fruition...

8. Maintain your performance.
I’m nothing if not consistent. I’ve “maintained” the same low level of performance (simply in the work forum... I don't want anyone getting any wrong ideas) from day one…

9. Keep your bridges in tact.
Burn, baby, burn…

10. Realize that this too shall pass.
LIARS!!!

Testing

Testing

Testing... this blog f'ing sucks!

I'll Take One of Those...

I'll Take One of Those...

Thanks to Awful Plastic Surgery we can see that as it turns out Paris was even prettier before she added all the fake stuff...

I Hate Doors!

I Hate Doors!

This morning, as per usual, I woke up 40 minutes before I had to be at work. This just giving me enough time most mornings to take the towel off my head, do a quick swipe of mascara, and pick the nearest thing up off my floor to clothe myself in. But this particular morning the pounding rain put me into a much further mode of procrastination then was required for a day like today. At the normal time as I race to get out of the door, I found myself unable to even open my front door. It has of late had the tendency to stick, but after hours of pounding rain, it found itself swollen and unwilling to budge. I thought about the likelihood that an early call into the boss man to tell him I was physically unable to leave my apartment would be accepted. I deemed this an unacceptable excuse, however true it may be compared to some of the past lies I've called in (rheumatoid arthritis acting up anyone?). I started to get teary and flustered and noticed that no matter what particular cloth I tried to use as a vice grip on the handle, be it jean or cotton, wasn't working and only causing a blister to form on my palm. I started walking in circles in my foyer. The lightbulb went off over my melon and I remembered having my super's number slipped under my crappy ass door last week (this being the week I locked myself out of my crappy ass door and had to foot $250 for a new non-functioning doorknob). I gave the Slav a ring and although I could tell thru her accent she was confused as hell, she appeared on the other side of the door to give a deep hip thrust that sent me to freedom. Mind you, there was no offer of how to correct this problem, and I'm sure she will adore when once again I call her first thing tomorrow morning to help me OPEN A DOOR!


So you're thinking, "how embarrassing for you" and "man, that sucks!" and you're absolutely correct, but as if that weren't enough to make today feel like Monday, when I got to the damn subway (which I was already pissed about using, but options were limited cause of the rain) I found myself unable to make it down the stairs because the entire 6 train had been flooded. A heard of straphangers (not you Les, you old faithful straphanger you) stood on the other side of the gate staring at me wondering how they would get out and even more impossible, how I would get in. I stared, considered my options (which were all of one) and jumped in. People actually started making noise as I waded (no joke, it was up to my knees) through the swamp water that hobos alike should have been bathing in. I heard laughing (of the cheering variety) and a few "ughs", but as I see it I had no other choice.


Most of my day at work has been spent hearing "Damn, It Feels Good to be a Gangster" play in my head while I fight and curse with the copy machine over it's refusal to accept 11 x 17 from me and only me. I feel like my life really is amounting towards being worth something by this point in the day.


And needless to say, the day is only half over and I'm pretty sure is going to continue to suck... as I am counting the minutes until I get to clean up after my boss and his brothers who have locked themselves in a conference room to annihilate slop consisting mostly of onions and feta cheese.


I miss college...

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

One Solid Hour of Heeby Jeebies!

One Solid Hour of Heeby Jeebies!

As if there was any doubt, my love for Dave "shut your yaps" Coulier was confirmed after watching the premiere of the newest "Surreal Life" this past weekend. I went between a feeling similar to having bugs crawl over you (with pinchers) and utter, unabashed entertainment the entire hour. I thought for sure I would be annoyed by Flavor Flav, and occasionally thought Charo was the Columbian receptionist at my office, but for the awful greater part of the hour found myself unable to concentrate on anything other then Brigitte Nielson's attempt at staying awake. The woman took to the hootch, cigs, sleep, and nudity like... well, a European. I kept lapsing into thoughts of what type of offspring her and Sly Stallone would have infected us with had they stayed married longer then 18 months. I shudder to think...

Consider Her Fazed!

Consider Her Fazed!

It has come to my attention that a certain friend, who we'll call Kim Lagy, was in NYC this weekend out and about. It appears said "friend" called Davey to inform him of her whereabouts, but not yours truly. As I see it, I have no other choice in the matter but to drop the hammer on "Operation Faze Out". And if our paths should ever cross (say at UA Cafe) I will be forced to quote a wise man, known as Biscuit Head to some, when he told me once "You're dead to me!" (I've told myself as of late that was just the hootch talking, it eases the sting)...

Speaking of Biscuit Head, it seems as though Frances was kind to the boy and has spared his newly purchased home. She broke several palm tress around his home, pool, and the reserve, but if they don't have their own IPO or his wife can't wear them on her finger, then Biscuit Head doesn't really care about their destruction (my words, not his... pretty sure he's still sleeping off the sauce)!

Friday, September 03, 2004

...And I'm Out!

...And I'm Out!

Me and the long weekend are off to make sweet love!

Man We're Funny!

Man We're Funny!

You ever have one of those days where absolutely everything is funny to you, to the point you cry... Well Molly and I's emails are making me wet myself...

Molly: right, right... I agree... I'm so hungry b/c I didn't eat dinner and
lost my pizza in the fall last night...

Me: You should practically be swatting flies away from your face, you
Ethiopian..

Under seperate cover (because we have about 6 strings of email conversations going on at the moment)...

Molly: Shall we meet in front of Kmart at 3:30... the Astor Place stop on the 6 train. And then walk over together girls?

Me: I'm not sure that was even English... every word of that was unfamiliar to me... Kmart??? 6 Train??? Astor Place??? Walk???

Molly: You've got to be joking... the 6 train is right by your place.

Rachel: What's astor place???

Bubba's Got a Bad Ticker!

Bubba's Got a Bad Ticker!

Rumor has it ABC is about to announce that Bill Clinton is in the hospital for a quadruple bypass. I'm a fan of the big guy and hope he fairs well...

HOLY FRANCES!

HOLY FRANCES!

Speaking of comeuppance, my brother is about to get his...

MK's Lost Love Affair With the Yea-Oh!

MK's Lost Love Affair With the Yea-Oh!

On Gawker Stalker today someone claims to see Mary Kate attempting to curb her beak packing habit...

· Mary Kate Olsen seen leaving daily afternoon NA meetings on the NYU campus, looking like "wretched shit" and "crap". I'm not in the program. I don't have to be anonymous!

Those kind of ill words about my little MK make me feel it is my duty (hehe hee I said "duty") to find this nancy and serve them their comeuppance!

Daily Refill's Love Affair with Pamela

Daily Refill's Love Affair with Pamela

Today Daily Refill looks at Pamela's Friendster profile.

...note to self: my leg hair is way too long to be wearing a skirt...

Cut It Out!

Cut It Out!

God bless the long weekend, but I will not be leaving my apartment on Sunday evening until I have milked every last image of Dave Coulier off my tv screen...

(go to the photo gallery on this link and tell me you don't want to blow up everyone of those pictures to hang over your bed. Number 2 made me pee my pants and I'm already printing out number 6).

Did somebody say wood?

Did You Even Brush Your Hair?

Did You Even Brush Your Hair?

So here's the thing and the thing is this... I woke up exactly 6 and one half minutes before needing to be at work (just another stellar example of my employee of the month like character lately). Why you ask? The reason being, as I see it (and my face full of make up from last night would prove this), is due to heavy alcohol consumption. I went to a bipartisan party last night at 17. The choices of drinks were a cool Kerry margarita or a traditional Bush margarita... I had vodka soda (we'll call that "The Nadar")... about a bakers dozen of them to be exact. And I'm pretty sure that what little sleep I got was spent dreaming of a glass of water that I just couldn't get to because too much ice was blocking the way. So of course as soon as I did a once over on my hair (although a coworker might disagree as she has already asked if I even brushed my hair this morning), I headed straight to my bodega and bought as much soda as I could carry (yummmmm Code Red). So much soda in fact it would have gone nicely proportionate to the amount of pizza I remember lugging home from across town last night. This being said, I still had no problem seducing my cabby as he shouted out into the night after me "I like everything on you!" I'm not exactly sure what this translates into, but the man was smooth.

My favorite part of the evening though came in the form from a phone call from my brother. As Frances rears her giant head down on my brother in Palm Beach he sits entirely unaffected. I believe our exact conversation went something like this:

Me: It sounds loud are you at a bar?
Rand: Yea, there's like 2 still open in Palm Beach (slur, slur, slur).
Me: You're still in Palm Beach for god's sake, get outta there.
Rand: Wherem (yes, "wherem") I gonna go. It's not like it's the friggin Perfect Storm out there... it's not like I've seen Marky Mark walkin' around.

We love our hootch...

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Friendster Anyone?

Friendster Anyone?

Tezzy seemed so thrilled when I let her break into my Friendster account and read the love notes I received the past couple of months, that I've decided I can't whorde these to myself... they must be shared and thus the creation of my top 10 list of my recent personal favorites:

~10~ Now Tezzy found this one clever, but I take my job seriously as you can tell...
Date: June 30, 2004 5:02 PM
Subject: Quick question
Message:
what kind of art do you deal? I won a 5th grade finger painting contest... and am thinking of finding a rep

~9~ Unfortunately for him, I'm a stickler for spelling...
Date: August 30, 2004 10:17 PM
Subject: heyy
Message:
heyy sup? wats going on?

~8~ I'm thinking it's a trick question...
Date: July 5, 2004 7:42 AM
Subject: hey
Message:
are you for real

~7~ Does he seriously think I'm able to answer the latter question for him...
Date: June 30, 2004 11:08 AM
Subject: do u date?
Message:
hey kristi, is that really u in the photos? am just curious, and why are you single are u really single?

~6~ The usage of "twit" allowed this one on the boards...
Date: July 1, 2004 12:57 PM
Subject: Hello there!
Message:
After being bored out of my brain, I stumbled upon your profile and thought what the hell ill send you a message!So there you go! I've gone and sent you a message!Well then... I feel like a twit now, so I am going to go and eat some lunchAndrew

~5~ This has many reasons which I will keep to myself...
Date: July 8, 2004 11:53 AM
Subject: hello hello
Message:
hi there im danny im 28 and i live in Staten Island , i read your profile and you seem like an intriguing and interesting gal and you look fantabulous too from what i can see you have gorgeous eyes...i work at UPS (hopefully not much longer) and im a struggling hockey journalist... heading back for more school to broaden my talents....i like to think i am dorky, funny, sarcastic, shy, and open minded ....could always use a concert or movie buddy cuz lately good friends are few and far between...anyways, so if i sound like a dork its cuz i am :oP i dunno what else to say -- but if you wanna chat sometime you can IM me at Fooman76 on *** or aim...hope to talk to you sooon!

~4~ Obviously the ending of "kisses" has created a bit of spit up...
Date: August 30, 2004 11:20 PM
Subject: Hi there!
Message:
Coffee? Tea? or wine maybe..? I really like to take you out sometime, I know we dont know each other but hey now we have an excuse :-) kissess

~3~ The first and last one I'll respond to...
Date: July 16, 2004 8:41 PM
Subject: Hi Dear,Hi Dear,
Message:
Hi Dear,How are you? I am a shy and nice guy from India.I am 5'8", 160lbs, light light brown skin and average/good looking(depending on your eyes)..I am not interested in sex if you are not.Although I am married I am seeking secret friendship and activity partner. If any of this interests you then please reply me at: NYCMA4FE@*****.com... Thanks.

~2~ This one's author is obviously wise... maybe too wise...
Date: August 31, 2004 1:37 PM
Subject: well...........
Message:
WOW...........you are delightful and completely gorgeous..........love your smile and we have so much in common........havent really filled out my stuff yet.....but you definitely struck a note with.me......ive like already fallen for ya and i dont even know ya honey............your so damn pretty..........i better not get too crazy tho........i would love to connect with ya kristi and hope im not being forward but..........hey ...lifes too short to lket a goddess like you pass me bye..........hahaha.....later--jesse

~1~ HUH?!
Date: August 31, 2004 10:59 AM
Subject: Plaudits
Message:
Who is this siren; a svelte denizen of the demi-monde of art by day, and wild exponent of batemaniacal excess by night? So manifestly prima inter pares - a masterfully filthy smirk.

A Great Back Door Read!

A Great Back Door Read!

I have finally (though rather quickly) finished reading Jenna Jameson's "How To Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale". It's a little less then 800 pages, but was finished rather quickly (like most of the guys I know). It's full of must know tips (I'm getting tired of providing these for you), photos (these have put me into a mild depression), and an intriguing story about the girl next door who partakes in the occasional sodomy... Consider this a must read!!

Crif Dogs Awaits Your Arrival!

Crif Dogs Awaits Your Arrival!

I have just been alerted by the jet-setting Amber R. Tesner (that's Tezzy to the inner circle), that she will be gracing me with her appearance for a full two weeks in a row. First we will battle back in C-bus over the great OSU/Penn St. showdown (loser buys the cheese dip) and then immediately after she has booked a flight straight back to NYC with yours truly. I have utilized the information that has been provided by my designated Directors of Haute Cuisine, Molly Spahr & Leslie Bautsch, and booked a private dinner for 2 at Crif Dogs! HOLY!

Just One More Example of the Problems I Have...

Just One More Example of the Problems I Have...

So here's what I'm currently thinking... I just received a call that my brother is currently being evacuated due to the impending hurricane and although I can agree that natural disasters are tragedies in and of themselves... I'm too busy sulking that it's not happening to me just so I can leave work 3 hours early.

Daily Refill Fires Andy!

Daily Refill Fires Andy!

Over at Daily Refill they have taken a look at the newest "Apprentice" candidates Friendster profiles and based on these either "hired or fired" them... This has brought me great joy over the past 3 days and it needs to be shared...

First up is Andy!

Daily Refill looks at Donald's Other Ivana

Daily Refill looks at Donald's Other Ivana

Next up, Ivana!

(I've finally figured out how to stop pasting links... so click on the title to jump directly to the gold!)


Bring It Home Raj!

Bring It Home Raj!

Right about now it's clear that my stunted technical skills are making Chris Burke (aka "Corky") look like an astrophysist, but at any rate, thru trial and error I'm pretty sure I'm slowly getting the hang of this... baby steps...

Today's Daily Refill focuses on Raj and his keen fashion sense. It sounds to me like this guy will have the appeal that that weasely Sam exuded... but that's just me...

VMA's

VMA's

Last night I decided to re-watch the VMA's which I had set to my DVR and the only thing that made me laugh harder then Jessica Simpson going into seizures with every breath was the fact that instead of old school lighters the crowd was holding up and waving their open cell phones...

Prepare for 5 Days of Greatness!!!

Prepare for 5 Days of Greatness!!!

From September 27th until October 1st Shecky's is having a happy hour for 100 bars at $4/drink. The time has come to strap a set on and pull out the big guns!!! Go to www.toastnewyork.com to sign up!!!

The Return of "The Cutter"

The Return of "The Cutter"

Never ever in the history of my being has a reality star irritated me more then Frankie! I thought it would be impossible for her to irritate me any longer once she ran home crying to her mom and her little sister, Wednesday. But lo and behold "the cutter" has infiltrated my territory once again and even had the audacity to think anyone would want to pay for her garbarge...


Inspiration for the Day

Inspiration for the Day

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us. It is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Nelson Mandela

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Rachel You're Famous!!!

Rachel You're Famous!!!

Rachel has officially conquered Miami:

(Type in "Krupa" or "Grubman" in the search engine to view her official debut...)

Toe Rings

Toe Rings

It's bad enough that I've been coerced by the online shopping demons to purchase every episode of "Jem & The Holograms" on DVD, but now I must be taunted with the likes of this ankle bracelet... too bad she hasn't gotten behind the toe ring fetish, right Mols. Everybody knows there's nothing prettier then "jeweled toes" (so right Les, so right!)



Is this considered a trade up?

Is this considered a trade up?

http://www.starmagazine.com/news/61447

I still love Brit and I don't know anyone that doesn't enjoy a good bag of cheetos...

Happy Hump Day!

Happy Hump Day!

So... I read blogs all day long while I watch the minutes slowly tick by at my "job". I figured it would be much more efficient if I posted what I had to say in one place instead of taking up my friends time by consistently emailing them unimportant things (this being subjective). Now the goal being that they actually bother to read this... I figure there has to be one place where the rest of them can join my world (one of getting paid to get epilepsy by staring at their computer all day) and read all the nonsense that never fails to entertain me. Most of this being other people's thoughts. I usually have a lot to say, but find myself at a loss for the moment... so I'll ease into this slowly... I'll leave you with what has brought me hours and hours of uncomparable pleasure: http://www.somethingawful.com/cliff/ihateyou/page-01.htm