Tuesday, November 30, 2004



Due to an unfortunate nickname I received in high school (thanks to my last name and the mind of Ringo) I can assume I will be getting more then a few of these t-shirts this Christmas... what's that, you didn't plan on buying me anything? I urge you to reconsider!

Check out other worthy T's over at Retroduck. They even support Screech and his Bayside Tigers gear! B...ba...bee...ba...bee... bee... Go Bayside!

Monday, November 29, 2004

At first when reading this Craig's List posting "To my CUNT of a roommate" I thought for sure this was something I must have posted 9 months ago when I lived with the most unstable, smelliest, dirtiest, rankest, thieving, lying, klepto whore on the face of the fucking planet... but alas, I knew it didn't belong to me because it wasn't in my usual template spreadsheet form that I've used for such formal complaints in the past. My advice? Good riddance!

[court. KTB via Craig's List]

And... We're Back!

And... We're Back!

Well the long weekend is over and I'm officially bummed. I arrived at the airport by 5:30 this morning and am ready to go back to sleep immediately. Thankfully, I have perfected the underrated skill of sleeping on the job (think Costanza!).

The weekend was capped with my friend Johnny the filmmaker creating what I can assume will be a masterpiece starring yours truly. I'll be interested to see how this turns out post-production. I'll be sure to post his end product on here at some point. Maybe if he lets me I'll put some of his and his partner, Anu's other works up here too.

Yesterday after I went and saw my great Aunt in a nursing home (where she is trucking through the last days of her lives) I purchased several great buys at Best Buy. Topping the list off: "The Best of Will Ferrell" and "The Office: Seasons 1 & 2 and the Special". Just about pissed myself when I dipped into these last night, I can only imagine when I reacquaint myself with my cheeb when I get home tonight!

My official theme song of the long weekend (and probably the next 4 weeks or so) is "Boyz in the Hood" the Eazy E remix by Dynamite Hack from their album "Superfast". I highly recommend!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend... now if only my skiing trip to Vail would get here already!

Update: When I said "Johnny and his partner, Anu"... I meant strickly in a professional/production company sorta sense. Although... seeing Johnny in his German foreign exchange student costume for Halloween did sorta make me wonder... a little too comfortable if you know what I mean.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Things I'm Proud of in the Past 24 Hours:

Things I'm Proud of in the Past 24 Hours:

1. While doing my best to congratulate my friend Bosshog's newly appointed fiance on his accepted proposal, I inadvertently slipped back into my own personality and upon him stating the words "I hope to spend a lifetime of days with her" I shouted "that's the GAYEST thing I've ever heard!" (One would think I would be embarassed at such a flub, but considering the two met due to yours truly being drunk at the Varsity Club after the Ohio State/Michigan win two years ago I put the ball in motion by grabbing each of them and stating "you're hot. She's hot. You two should do it. Now let's do shots!" - - Can't wait to attend his surprise 30th birthday party this evening!)

2. Tripped width-wise over a guy in a wheelchair laying myself out on his lap.

3. Delivered a rather amazing impromptu party of 50 at Budge's apartment with an extremely hyped up Flip Cup tourney. Giving the Morgan Family of 6 (ranging in age from 17 to 27) a chance to hold onto their title while they showed off their secret "challenge" handshake (picture wrists on top of each other forming an X) and chanted "flip cup and bong rips" against the well matched IU Fiji's. "Fiji, Fiji, Fiji."

4. In reference to the 17 year old above, asked his oldest sister to "beat it" when she interrupted our conversation because I was in the middle of "trying to score!"

5. Watching Boo litter the lawn with her vomit and simply just proud that it wasn't me this one fucking time.

6. Being offered Vicodin by more than a single person and me accepting from more then a single person.

7. Budge's inspirational words of debauchery "can we just black out and have a good time?"

More to come...

Friday, November 26, 2004

From the Road:

From the Road:

Everyone will be relieved to know that I made it home in one piece. If there was even a flitter of doubt as to whether or not my excitement of coming home was valid, it was immediately evaporated upon my arrival to my Aunt's house yesterday evening for Thanksgiving dinner. Within the first few steps of my entry into her domain I was greeted by the sweetest of smells of quite possibly the best cooking ever to have existed (think 15 appetizers and 4 ridiculous pies). But was this the reason that confirmed my earlier anticipation... not a chance! What was it you ask...? The fact that as my Uncle continuously played Chopin on the piano my Aunt was busy dumping liters of tequila into a blender to refill my Grandmothers oversized glass, which she had deemed "top heavy" and needing to be carried with two hands. When her arms got tired (which appeared to be quite often) my Grandmother (or "Dudie" as she has been known for just shy of a century) could be found setting her football-sized glass down on the counter and simply bringing her mouth down to meet the glass at a level she deemed "no hands". It appeared to be the best approach. My cousin, Mike, my mother, and Grandpa were busy on another side of the room playing full scale Texas Hold 'em (poker chips and all). There were many a priceless quote to be heard that made me confident there was no other place I'd rather be, but perhaps the most poignant was when I heard Mike ask his mother if she had any Benedryl to feed to his reambunctious new puppy, to which she offered up "handfuls of Zoloft". Later in the evening Budge was kind enough to stop by to pick me up and got roped into a long standing family tradition of Domino's. I knew it was time to remove Budge when she could be seen in my elderly Grandma's face shouting "I SCHOOLED YOU!".

Let's have a flashback shall we? Wednesday night I went straight to the Pointe Tavern from the airport (which I'm glad to report still allows indoor smoking) to meet an already thriving party of many old friends I was awaiting to see and even more that I would prefer stay under their rock. There is one precious moment that really sums it all up and why Budge is just so special (think Bernie's Top 17 List). Upon Ambrosia and I's ribbing, Budge dialed up Toddster, an old friend of ours from high school, which to the dismay of every man that has ever met her due to her hottness, is fonder of the feminie wiles (that means "Lesbian" Brooke!). It can be said with certainty that Toddster has chosen since that fateful coming out day of '97 to remove herself from the Upper Arlington Golden Bears (yep, Jack Nicklaus) bubble. We occasionally choose to do drop in's and constant calls in order to irritate her to the point she just obliges us with her presence. Wednesday evening was no exception. At the point that Budge had finally submitted to calling the Toddster and received her voicemail, she broke concentration to yell at Nurse Beef (or Hardbomb as you may know him) shouting "You Homo!" directly after the beep. Safe to say we've confirmed Toddster's theory of us being insensitive, judgemental whores! Bitchin'!

*Note: Budge would like me to clarify that she is in no way, shape, or form a villian! Although, I might have difficulty concurring with such a statement, as I recall her also antagonizing my fragile Grandmother with the words "meet your nemisis!"

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Here me now, if my flight gets canceled this evening, I will be a wretched crying mess, but only half as bad as I was watching my girls Lo and LC graduate last night!

KikiNYC1: I don't think I'm going to get to go home... I want to cry!
Bautsch3: awww... come play with me tonight
KikiNYC1: you leave today don't you?
Bautsch3: no, tomorrow morning
KikiNYC1: If I don't leave tonight we are getting so stinking shit faced tonight!
Bautsch3: excellent idea, my friend
Bautsch3: 7b?
KikiNYC1: sounds good... not like they're unfamiliar with me puking on myself!
Bautsch3: or we can go to Failte and sit by the fire
KikiNYC1: I don't want romance here!
Bautsch3: :-*
KikiNYC1: I plan to be so drunk I try to set myself on fire
Bautsch3: are you sure?
KikiNYC1: positive
Bautsch3: ok
Bautsch3: maybe another time
KikiNYC1: well, if I get as drunk as I plan you're going to probably have to battle me off with a stick it's been so long
KikiNYC1: gross
Bautsch3: so gross
KikiNYC1: right, like you don't want this!
Bautsch3: true

LouLou and the Monkey on her Back

LouLou and the Monkey on her Back



So while I was busy getting epilepsy from staring at my computer screen all day, LouLou was flitting around Europe like the true Texas tycoon she is. Not one to ever have a problem making friends (or looking well groomed for that matter), she melted into her old routines just fine.

Upon her return last night, she presented me with a beautiful gift from Seville. Her explanation of why she chose this particular gift:

I was in Seville and they have these great ceramics and I thought of y'all. Did you see the pitcher I brought back for MoMo? So pretty! Then I was thinkin' to myself, what should I get for Kiki? Oh, I know what Kiki needs! Kiki needs a god damn ash tray!

So appropriate, so beautiful, and so welcomed! So on this holiday, I am thankful for friends like LouLou, who not only know my #1 rule of friendship: constant giftgiving, but also take my hobbies into consideration when doing so. Me and my lungs thank you!


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I received my new issue of People Magazine yesterday, which my Mother has conditioned me as a subscriber since before I could walk, and I noticed that Eugene (Remm) was quoted! (I'll save the copy for you Rach!)

But more importantly, I noticed possibly the gayest thing I have ever read (I do not have the exact quote at this time). Al Reynolds, along with his fraternity brothers, serenaded Star Reynolds (nee Jones ugh!) at their wedding reception with a stunning tenor rendition of "You Are My Kappa Sweetheart". Disgusting! At what point did people just start to laugh at the absurdity I wonder?

Monday, November 22, 2004

So we all know that I deal in the world of art. Who says you shouldn't mix business with pleasure?

Are We Even Friends?

Are We Even Friends?

Even in my darkest of hours, I still have faith:

Ambrosia: Adam and I have officially seen every movie there is to see. Beats going to the bars EVERY night though.
Kiki: Speak for yourself fool! Nothing beats bars! It's like a right bower* for gods sake!

*If you've never played Eukre, it's just one more thing to add to the list of greatness the state of Ohio has contributed to this world.

Hail This!

Hail This!



All I have to say is it was a fucking GLORIOUS WEEKEND!!! The wolverines ended up choking on that poisonous nut!

I lost at least half of what little brain cells I had left, along with the hearing in my left ear and all of my voice. MoMo's pre-birthday weekend ended up being a pretty good time (Go Bucks!!!). We spent a solid 9 hours at Village Tavern, followed by Slipper Room, and later 17 (you do the math). Special thanks goes out to Davey, Blake, and Diorio who showed up in tuxes for the festivities and Bernie, who came with his own special attire in a homemade www.nycnewyear.com t-shirt. And the answer is "yes", I will indeed marry you and give birth to babies with your genetics of a South African Jew from Texas that is black from the ankles down. There were no cartwheels this year, but several Jager Bombs, Buttery Nipples, and too much vodka and tequila to speak of (oh wait, speaking is not an option at this point anyway). LouLou was sorely missed ("Boo hoo without my LouLou"), but I have been told that she was busy being groomed and knit picked by an ape in Spain (pictures to follow)!

Also, I'd like to thank the Bloomberg University student who was directed to my site by googling my most famous of catch phrases, "Beat it nerd!". You'll be happy to know that this all too often phrase was screamed at by yours truly when a skirt wearing pseudo-Michigan fag (awesome "Saturday Superstar" t-shirt, dude) refused to get out of my face regarding my "shitty university and even shittier state". Two losses for him, but more importantly, two wins for Kiki!


Lisa Turtle Would Have Been Proud!

Lisa Turtle Would Have Been Proud!

It's not a good idea Lipsky-Karasz to steal gossip from me!!! Don't even get me started on the Page Six vs. Kiki battle of early 2004 regarding Bob Saget!
Moral: You DO NOT want to tangle with Kiki!

PARIS’ NEW SQUEEZE
Paris Hilton already has a new boy, and this time, he’s actually respectable. The blond-tressed Guess girl was spotted snuggling with film actor Ryan Gosling at Cipriani Upstairs last week. Of course, she was having a few problems with her underwear, which was riding high above her extremely low-cut jeans, fellow clubgoers complained.


Meanwhile, her old fling Mark Philippoussis was drowning his sorrows by ogling the models at the opening of new club Gypsy Tea on Thursday night, along with actors Matt Dillon, Jeremy Piven and Ben Chaplin.


[court. ELK via Gawker]

Friday, November 19, 2004

Rollin' With My Homies...

Rollin' With My Homies...

So it looks like Davey and Rachel's favorite neighbor from down the hall, Savanna Samson, has been getting naked outside of the office.

PS. Try and get me some of that "Euphoria" if you see her around later today. I haven't seen Emily Valentine in ages!

Happy GMAT Day, David!

Happy GMAT Day, David!

Best of luck on that test thingy! See you at the garbage pail races after work! I'm playing skeeball for shots again, you in?

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Ewwww! (that reminds me... The OC awaits!!!)

Ewwww! (that reminds me... The OC awaits!!!)



I'm not especially close with my father... but is this normal?


Happy Beaujolais Day!

Happy Beaujolais Day!

Leslie Bautsch... it's your favorite holiday tonight at midnight!!! ... If only you'd just come back from Spain already to celebrate!

[court. Gothamist]

New Version of You... I Need a New Version of Me

New Version of You... I Need a New Version of Me

Epstein Bar is officially open for business... I will hopefully be lending my presence there this weekend in celebration. Let the Ben Covington stalking begin!!!

While it sounds like that horrid disease Epstein Barr, this Lower East Side lounge and haute pub grub spot has nothing to do with chronic fatigue. Rather, it is a sleek white-washed lounge owned by Pat Conlon, a longtime presence at spots like 2A and Niagra and partner Eric McMannes of Jameson’s Pub (a cool tavern in their native Rockaway) that is an ode to their lost hero—Warren Epstein of Welcome Back Kotter. Conlon explains that Epstein was a natural choice because, “he was a Puerto Rican Jew who sort of represents the neighborhood. He was also always absent from school and I always thought he was out drinking.”

Conlon describes his bar as “clean and mean” with a sleek loungy vibe that is made airy with white walls, black concrete floors, cozy banquettes with ottomans, a cool deep red stained boardwalk plank bar, and tall retractable walls that will open up to the street for hot summer night dining. The house beer—Epstein’s Ale—is being made by the guys from The White Horse Tavern (Eric’s uncle owns the White Horse so there is a bit of nepotism going on). The bar will open on Wednesday November 17th and will start serving a gastro-pub menu on December 1st. Epstein’s Barr is located at 82 Stanton Street, at Allen. - Andrea Strong

[court. Cityrag]

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I'm Thankful For...

I'm Thankful For...

I may or may not have once been guilty of trying to buy pharmaceuticals via a Mexican pharmacy. I figured it was just plain easier then seeing a shrink and I've always been pretty good at self-medicating. Needless to say, Tijuana never pulled thru (although they swore time and time again they were on their way) and I have been left to beg my other friends for their table scraps of adderall. It appears now I can add Budge to my list of donors and just in time for my upcoming trip during Thanksgiving to boot:

So last Thursday I was complaining to my friend Val about how much work I had to get done that night. She was bragging about how her A.D.D. medication keeps her focused and allows her to get all kinds of stuff accomplished. She told me I should take one of her pills that night. I hesitated and said "no thanks" but she kept pushing it on me. Said that I would be up all night with all kinds of energy and I would get everything done. So finally I gave in and took one. Did I mention she on 60 mg doses of this shit? The drive home alone my head was going a mile a minute and I couldn't even focus on one thing. People came over to watch the O.C. and I couldn't even carry on a conversation. My whole body was tingled and I couldn't seem to close my mouth. I felt like I was just mumbling the noise"uhhhhhhhhhh" for hours. Did I get anything done that night? Nope.

[ed. I've also found that the large Berry Blast energy smoothie at GNC has similar doping qualities when in a pinch!]



Quite the Dilemma!

Quite the Dilemma!

Last I had checked, my best friend, Budge, had wanted she and I to spend the coming summer traveling throughout Europe. Which seemed like a good plan in theory, as I am quite prepared to quit my job and had told my mom repeatedly over the course of the last week that "I had tried on responsibility for awhile and it didn't look good on me. I'm ready to return it to its rightful owner!". Apparently, Budge has come up with a new plan for us this summer:

Have you seen "True Life: I'm a Jersey Shore Girl"? It's brilliant!!
Let's go there this summer! Those broads are such trash. My favorite quote..." I think one night stands happen in the Jersey Shore but it's not really a one night stand because you see them for like 3 days."


It really does seem too perfect to pass up!
[Update: I had almost missed this, but there is something quite ironic about the statement "those broads are such trash"! God love you, Budge!]

Acetaminophen, Dextromethorphan HBr, Guaifenesin, Pseudoephedrine HCL??? Wha??

Acetaminophen, Dextromethorphan HBr, Guaifenesin, Pseudoephedrine HCL??? Wha??

My intentions of writing anything today were swept away with the same typhoon that must have taken my eyesight, my hearing, my appetite, and whatever was left of any brain function, and left me with a throbbing filled-to-the-brim head and a persistant unsightly cough. I am currently too busy OD'ing on Sudafed (although this feeling ain't half bad) to be productive (which begs the question if I'm always taking Sudafed). I did however notice just now as I washed down another handfull of orange gel horse pills that one should consult their doctor if they drink 3 or more alcoholic beverages a day due to possible liver damage. Do I even have one of those anymore? What I'm saying is, should there be any cause for concern over here? And more importantly, will this effect my ability to be drunk straight thru the next 4 days?

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

She Got a Bum Rap!

She Got a Bum Rap!

We've all had those days. Those days where the people of the street provide us with such fodder that we are left to tell the story over and over to any who will listen. Whether it be LouLou's brawl that almost wasn't when an old lady with quite a remarkable set of filthy teeth shouted out at LouLou "Hey Lay-Deeeee! Don't make me take a swing at you! You better hope for your sake you're a better fighter then I am!", causing LouLou to run as fast as her flats could take her all the while looking over her shoulder. Or, Ambrosia in San Francisco who had the pleasure of walking directly behind a man who was in the midst of quite a dilemma balancing the need to walk and 'rhea all at the same time. My special moment came when an old black lady with at least 15 coats on immersed in a crowd waiting for the 3rd Avenue bus line shouted out to me "I can smell your pussy from over here, BITCH!"

But none of us have seemed able to convey the magic of such a moment into our story telling quite like the Banterist and his experience from Sunday:

The mind is never prepared to process the visual of an obese, middle-aged woman in a pink hat leaning against a car, pooping. The mind can not be trained to suffer that horror in any capacity. Nor should it have to.

Madam, I've seen dead people, grisly crime photos and a guy from New Guinea with testicular elephantitis - but it was you who provided me with the most disturbing visual image to date. And nature was an accessory to the crime too: The sunlight was perfect, illuminating your underside just enough to create a darling silhouette of your ongoing efforts, as well as a few accomplishments which rested peacefully on the newspaper you placed underneath yourself.

I highly recommend reading the entire entry.

***Note To Readers: I would like it to be said that that lady could absolutely not have smelled my you-know-whatsies, when I'm pretty sure she hadn't showered since Nixon was impeached and probably had a habit of defecating on herself as well. Just saying...

[court. Banterist]


He's Alive!

He's Alive!

I wondered what had become of D-Nasty...

[Court. MediaBistro via Gawker]

Monday, November 15, 2004

O - H ... I - O!

O - H ... I - O!

I just had the best lunch of all time (made up of my 3 favorites): fois gras followed by mussels, which were in a sharp chedder sauce that tasted exactly like the "Beer Cheese Soup" I make (and will be making pre the Buckeye vs. Michigan disaster this Saturday)! Go Bucks!

...LouLou, if you ever return from your frolicking in Spain, put this potential meal on your calendar!

Anyone else have to discuss the historic importance of imagery like this on a daily basis with their boss? Thought not!!

Davey: It's only like one months rent... just think about it!

[thanks, Toole!]

To MoMo: What You Did (or Did Not) Miss This Weekend

To MoMo: What You Did (or Did Not) Miss This Weekend

While the rest of the city was doped up on Dramamine and pain killers (some say because of flu season, I think it was due to Star Jones' wedding), I spent a lovely weekend downing Merlot bottles by the dozens with my mother and her visiting friends. It was due to this red-wine induced zombie-state that I have to blame my obliviousness to the untimely death of Old Dirty Bastard (so sad, I guess he's never gonna get no more of that Cracker Jack). There is nothing quite as nice as having good meals and even better drinks paid for the entire weekend. Saturday, after downing doubles (I believe it was this practice that later prompted my mother last night to call into question my status as a bonafide alcoholic) at Mercury Bar to numb the pain that was the Buckeyes, we made our way to Rio. There may or may have not been a scene created... we ate at Earl's.

Following Earl's, Rachel and I went to a fashion fundraiser at the newly named 58 (turns out Rachel had misplaced the information in her memory that this was a black tie event, my jeans thanked her). Thanks to Stratus (one of the owners, formerly of Sessa), we were treated to drinks from a private bar during our tenure as guests (nice work Extreme on the black vodka). It was at this point that Rachel and I realized we may need to rephrase our order when asking for "kettle and soda". Three attempts later and our drink finally included neither Coke, nor Sprite. Blessed!

We left 58 (which I have to say is actually a pretty great space, although given the possibility that it's former inhabitant, Au Bar, might have been pissed on and marked by Euros alike, I think it may be only moments away before the Euros return to claim their territory), and headed to Table 50 to meet a pair of brothers we had neither seen, nor ever met before. One of the brothers worked for Spin Magazine, so thankfully we didn't find ourselves waiting in line. I've learned over the years, that as long as someone else does the talking besides myself, we are usually let in immediately and comp'd, as opposed to when yours truly speaks and I am eventually the only one left waiting outside. The brothers Crawford (as they came to be known) were actually pretty damn cool and fun to hang out with (Spin Crawford aka "Jail Bait" and I even exchanged numbers so we could meet up at a later date).

The four of us ventured over to our old safety 17, where my skills of "boxing out" for bar space were sub-par at best. Although Rach's favorite VJ, Damien was in tow, it was my exchange with "True Life's" most historic star (although it must be said that Rachel Faust takes a close second), Tommy the Bennie from "True Life: I Have a Summer Share" (Jersey Shore that is) that will stand out as the best part of the weekend. The guy was just as he appeared in his meaty role last year: shaved head, sleeveless flannel, and a tipped page boy hat. The way all 5'5" of him bounced around to Biggie and sang along to rhymes about Brooklyn surely would have made any girl melt... Unfortunately, I was unable to stop laughing. God, that was just good comedy!

Sunday began with a trip down memory lane and brunch at SQC, buying all new bedding including one of those Swedish contour mattresses (thanks mom), and ended with dinner at Da Nico's. When my 6th grade social studies teacher (who happens to be one of my mothers friends) found out that I had in fact voted for Bush (a fact I was told to keep quiet by my mom), all hell broke loose. Although I was trying not to even discuss this topic, I was asked to explain my thought process and it was then that there were words spat at me with venom about "hurting her heart" and "learning nothing that she taught me" (which I felt was a low blow, however true it may be). Thankfully, my mom's friend Leslie who was also present (and happens to be 34) and had voted for Bush, tag teamed when things got too personal (this made it easy for them to dismiss this as a generational gap issue). I parted ways with the ladies exclaiming that "I may not be as experienced or as knowledgeable, but unfortunately for her and the democracy she teaches about my vote counts as much as hers." It was at this point that she became mute and cried and refused to speak anymore, except to let me know that I had "ruined her evening"! Wonder what she'll get me for Christmas?!

[Update: I forgot to mention that I also will be watching a lot more football in the future. Although at one point I was a mild Patriots fan since my "friend" Andy (Katzenmoyer) played. However, since his demise, I have since lost touch... BUT... I noticed over the weekend that their new sidelines mascot is none other then a midget! Therefore, I have renewed my love for football with enthusiasm, even when not in the form of Scarlet & Grey! 5 DAYS!!!]

R.I.P. O.D.B.!

R.I.P. O.D.B.!


Friday, November 12, 2004



SUCK ON IT!!!

...or should I say "PREPARE TO SUCK ON IT!!!"?.


Hugs All Around

Hugs All Around

It's that time again... only this time, I think I actually know the guilty party:

i met this girl one night at a bar...after getting her really drunk...i took her home...in the middle of the night i shit the bed...when i woke up i didn't know what to do...so i took the shit and smeared it all over her...then i left...i saw her at a bar a few months later...she wouldn't even look at me...i know she thinks she did it.
[ed. HOLY CRAP (pun intended) Batman!!! Is this a common practice or do you think this is the same guy we know???]

I miss crack cocaine.
[ed. I know someone that used to smoke catnip... try it on for size!]

One time my grandma was staying a week at my house and I had just taken a bath. When I got out she said "Don't drain the water, I'll just use yours!"

and lastly,

I get aroused by the simplest things. Today it was the sound of the trash truck going by.
[ed. Garbage really is sexy!]

Memo to Robin: Word on the street according to my sources in and around Beverly Hills this week is that Ryan has been exchanging fluids with Paris. If you see him, kick him in the nuts for me in hopes of a wake up call! See you in two weeks.

I can finally feel a sense of accomplishment: Someone in Denmark was referred to my site by googling "shitting your pants"! I'm gonna have to thank MoMo for that one later...

A little encouragement for my two special girls:

MoMo: You've talked about playing "possum" for ages now... here's how!
LouLou: You and I've hated the subway for ages... now I know why!

[court. CNN & Low Culture]

There Goes the Sun - Part II

There Goes the Sun - Part II

What do you think the odds are that this completely shit-worthy weather right now has anything to do with the apocalypse created by Star Jones and Al Reynolds getting married tomorrow? Is it possible she's blocking the sun again and outside those are really Al's tears due to conforming to a life of heterosexuality?

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Kiki Covington

Kiki Covington

Holy Crap!! Well, it's official... if there was any hope for my sanity to recover it is gone now. My less then firm grasp on reality is about to meet my Felicity induced dreams. The Lower East Side is about to exhibit one watering hole named.... wait for it... wait for it... EPSTEIN BAR!!!

(If I go missing, I'm not lost! Just check this place out. Chances are I'll be dawning a disguise waiting for Ben Covington to saddle up to the bar and drown himself in a pint before he heads off to shoot some hoops).

Puerto Rican Quote of the Day

Puerto Rican Quote of the Day

This is the most Puerto Rican quote I've heard all day from a coworker:

"Whaaa?! You don't have a hammer? Let me go grab a can of Goya Beans! Shiiiiiit!"

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

It's Like Looking in a Mirror...

It's Like Looking in a Mirror...

And thus the glorious circle that is my life has been put into anime for your enjoyment...

[...it's much more poignant with sound]

Run Around "Adderall Sue"

Run Around "Adderall Sue"

Picture it if you will: It's yesterday morning, 5:00 am and the first real chill has set it's eyes upon Manhattan. MoMo "Adderall Sue" Spahr has dusted the sleep from her eyes and against her better judgment slipped out of bed in hopes of a date with the gym. She ran in place in her bedroom for several minutes hoping to ready her body for the cold that awaited her just outside her front door. After several sets of jumping jacks, she ascended up the stairs two at a time from her dungeon bedroom and out the front door ready to ascend on the day.

For a slight moment she jumped up and down in place acclimating her tiny bones to the newly sent winter. She jumped off the front step onto a trash heap which she used like a runner at their starting mark. What's this? Her feet are unsteady, the trash bag and cardboard box littered beneath her feet are moving. Is she woozy? Is the frigid and unexpected air making her delirious? The garbage bags thrash about and kick her back with such force against the brick wall that she is left standing speechless and frozen not by the cold but by the unnatural turn of events she is witnessing. As quickly as it happened the garbage bags let out a loud moaning grunt and whipped off one of the garbage bags to reveal themselves. It was at this point as she stood with her mouth agape that MoMo realized she had been doing her early morning jumping jacks directly on top of a bum!

On your marks! Get set! Hobo!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Group Hugs = Kiki's Personal Crack Stash

Group Hugs = Kiki's Personal Crack Stash

Well, Ron, I think we have a problem over here. I'm officially addicted to the angst that writhes over at Group Hug worse then I take to the bottle (wait. that's a complete lie. not possible). I have decided to include some of my favorite Group Hugs of the day:

last night i was kicked out of my own party... twice.

My girlfriend wants me to be violent during sex. Her last boyfriend used to beat her and now it gets her hot. I will beat her to a pulp.

I dont tell girls to stop calling me even though i'm sick of being their bloody tampon that that soak all their problems into, but without me getting any action from it.

I dissolved three types of poisons into my best friends drink to see what would happen. He's in the hospital for "consumpsion of water". They have no idea it was me. [ed. fucking LIAR!!!]

My best friend always talks trash about 'fat people'. I mean always. I met his girlfriend last week, and she is extremely fucking fat. How can he not know this?! I want to tell him.

i like anal sex better than regular, my girlfriend doesnt. [ed. Shock!!!]

I laid this monster cable in my friend's toilet. I was afraid of the toilet overflowing so I didn't flush. The next day, the thing expanded to twice its size because of osmosis and my friend's mother had to chop it up with a butter knife before flushing. I'm so proud. [ed. vomit!!! Wait, do I know you?!]

I hate Tom Cruise. I don`t find him attractive at all. He looks like he`s retarded when he smiles. [ed. SEE!!! Someone else noticed his front tooth, MoMo and LouLou!!!]

and lastly,

I'm a 36 year old man whose been having regular sex with his 41 year old cousin at her place every mon and wed after work. [ed. uhh... no comment dude, Jesus!]

Mother May I Sleep With Danger?

Mother May I Sleep With Danger?

Lookie, lookie MoMo... your dream job just became open!!!

"Frey Peterson"

"Frey Peterson"

Have you ever heard of the saying "don't rock the boat"? Well, you have got to be kidding if Scott Peterson even gets a hung jury! This summer while I was getting paid to do basically nothing (contrary to the other seasons when I get paid squat to pretty much wipe ass), I spent a great deal of time on Court TV Online digesting every bit of the Peterson Trial I could. It seems obviously certain to me that Peterson killed his wife and every bit of evidence seems to point painfully to this truth.

I have read every transcript of the trial. Read every transcript from phone conversations. Viewed every image submitted as evidence.

The phone conversations that suit my theory the best are those he had with his Jesus loving dub-T mistress, Amber Frey (amongst others). He continously lies to every person he comes in contact with. He lies to his own parents about his whereabouts (saying he was playing golf, when he really was on "fishing" trip), he lies to his friends, and he continuously lies to his mistress. My personal favorite moment was while caught smiling at a vigil for his missing wife, he called Amber and told her he was in Paris with his friends Francois and Pascqual (wha?).

The photos piece together a chronology of guilt. There are photos that show he made several small anchors which he later was never able to place. Photos of only fresh water lures, when the bay is salt-water. Photos showing he had done a load of laundry (which he denies) the day after his cleaning lady had come. And, the piece of evidence that seems most compelling to me (although is only substantiated by transcript heresay) is of the rug (folded up accordian style) where he drug his suffocated wifes body out to the garage.

Apparently, I am not the only one (contrary to the 12 in the jury box) who has become obsessed with Scott Peterson's guilt:

Scott Peterson is no O.J. Simpson, but some people have become completely obsessed with his murder trial. Lara Flynn Boyle, who played a prosecutor on "The Practice," admits she's been glued to Court TV, and has even gone so far as to e-mail the network expressing her compassion for Laci Peterson's family. A supporter of the fight against domestic violence, Boyle signed off with the words: "Frey Peterson!" — a clever reference to Amber Frey, Scott's girlfriend at the time of the murder. [ed. Boyle is a fucking half-wit and ideally I would not be putting her emaciation in the same category as myself, but it suits my interest just this once].

Clearly, the season is now inching towards winter and it appears as though I'm still doing nothing productive.

Pointer, Pointer, Pointer...

Pointer, Pointer, Pointer...

Looks like Michael Phelps recent DUI proves he has traded in swimming in chlorine, to doing the backstroke with the bottle (kudos by the way, Phelps)!

This reminds me of once at a party when I overheard Leslie Bautsch (aka "LouLou" or "Demandy McStraphanger") discussing drinking and driving with our friend, Brendan:

Brendan: I've NEVER drank and drove before!!! (he said astonished at the idea)
LouLou: Well, how'd y'all get around in high school? (she said genuinely confused)

Or better yet, when just a few months ago my friend, Nurse Beef, was pulled over steps away from his house and asked to perform the standard index-to-nose routine. Beef R.N. abruptly halted the test and asked that the officer from that point on refer to them as his "pointers". It's all caught on videotape, 'natch. Needless to say, he was escorted to the tank, which if I remember correctly he left hours later in a high five line.

Monday, November 08, 2004

... And The Winner For Best Costume Is...

... And The Winner For Best Costume Is...



Speaking of two of my favorite things combined... I just purchased myself a little present for the weekend...

[court. Absinthe.bz]


PAY DAY!!!

PAY DAY!!!

I wasn't quite sure how my insane ability to source any amount of information (including ones location, bank account, criminal record, etc.) via the internet (one of my learned "skills" that I include on EVERY resume) was eventually going to pay off... but I'm pretty sure I just found my answer. Respect my need to devote all of my focus presently on this "project". I ask that each of you donate what you can to my effort and in return, you will be rewarded handsomely!

We're going dark over here until the Sheikh pays up... peace, I'm out!

I Have A Confession...

I Have A Confession...

When I was in third grade Brooke, Robin, and I asked some random adult at Lane Avenue Shopping Center to pretend to be our father so that the pet store would allow us to buy a pet rabbit. It goes without saying, that due to my lax upbringing, we kept the rabbit over at my house. I was lazy and thought the thing smelled too bad, so eventually I just allowed the rabbit to drink its own pee... needless to say, later that week we parted ways. The rabbit off to bunny heaven and me to 4th grade. (Those of you who have made acquaintances with the newest "additions to my family", Tater and Tot, should think about starting to pray for them now!)

But now, thanks to the Corsair, I can feel a little bit better about myself while reading others (mostly) depressing confessions over at Group Hug.

Alas, let me allow you some of my favorite examples:

when i think of my dead friend i wonder what her body looks like at this stage of death. im a normal person.

when no one is around i dance to camp disco music and act all faggy.

One time my grandma was at my house because of a tornado and a bug crawled up her pants and I didn't tell her. She's not alive anymore.

Last night i was at a friends house getting drunk. I thought it would be funny to feed his cat a mix of curry powder andwashing detergent. The cat died soon after, but i said it was probably old age (the cat seemed unwell already). We buried it earlier today. He even made a little tombstone...

I dropped my friend off at the airport early in the morning and on the way back I realized that I had to shit. I couldn't hold it in and ended up shitting my pants in my car on the freeway [ed. ahhh... the ol' problematic "sharting"]. It ran down my leg and everything. By the time I got back to my apartment it was light outside and I had to make a mad dash to my apartment, which was fine, but it left a pile of shit in my car to marinate in the sun. It's clean now.

i can't control my friends anymore. and frankly i dont care if lauren bangs neil or joe. or both. whatever...

my nose started bleeding only after 2 lines last night. i need more.

and lastly:

i let a dog lick the tip of my penis.

RIP "Six Feet Under"

RIP "Six Feet Under"

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the upcoming 5th season is to be the last of "Six Feet Under" on HBO. Series Creator, Alan Ball, believes the show has run its creative course. I have to agree, although this great show will definitely be missed.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Quote Of The Day

Quote Of The Day

"The OC manages a decent opening despite Mischa Barton's ridiculous attempts to convey her character's inner struggle by shrieking like a wounded turkey."

Worst acting of all time... hurts so good!

[court. Defamer]

Tell Me If The Straps Are Too Tight...

Tell Me If The Straps Are Too Tight...

OK, seriously... this is getting fucking out of hand. This begs the question of did the words "I'm too busy at work to talk" and "I can't do anything this weekend cause I have friends in town" (mind you both lies) mean something different to you then EVERY OTHER FUCKING HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET?? I'm going to start calling these "billable hours" cause you are in need of some serious fucking head therapy, JPE!

FROM: JPE
TO: MoMo McHottness
[Update: MoMo McHottness from now on will be referred to as Adderall Sue]
RE: She Lives! (don't make me...)

We'll watch the Marathon in the morning. Head over to giants stadium to our tailgate around noon. Watch the game. Drive back to the city. Call it just another Sunday.

And if I have to throw in two tickets for you and a friend to sweeten the pot I might be able to manage. But if you don't get back to me soon all bets are off cause these are hot tix!

Beis and Chris have been in Hawaii all week. I hope she knows how to surf. Or at least how to lay out on the beach while he surfs.

jpe

... elaborate on this extra ticket bit... I'm listening...

and P.S. Even sweet (yet extremely pervy) LouLou had this to say:
Bautsch3: even us + vodka + horny + text messaging = not even an 1/8 as crazy!

You're giving everyone the heeby freaking geebies, stand down boy! I'll pick up one of those neutering cones for dogs so you don't go and lick your wounds all weekend! And while I'm at it, I'll drop off a copy of this for you... looks like you could use it! Sheesh!

And So Another Weekend Begins...

And So Another Weekend Begins...

molkat78: I NEED A BEER!
KikiNYC1: are you going to go with us to the going away party at Cibar tonight?
molkat78: Ahhhhh.... I see. Is that the plan, Stan?
KikiNYC1: I think so...
molkat78: cool cool.. can we start early?
molkat78: :-D
molkat78: you+ my place+ vino/vodka = trouble.. but fun!
KikiNYC1: yeppers... I'm a little beat, but got to get back on that horse and ride!!!!!!!!!!!!
molkat78: beat schmeat! It's friday!
molkat78: gear up!
KikiNYC1: beat schmeat! Sounds like masturbation...
molkat78: ew
molkat78: kiki... only you

I Got 99 Problems...

I Got 99 Problems...

TO: The Security at 40/40
FROM: A Satisfied Customer
RE: Jay-Z's Fade to Black Afterparty

Dear Sir,
I appreciate many things. I appreciate being walked down a red carpet. I appreciate being let right in. I appreciate not paying a cover. I appreciate you overlooking my grass and wrappers when you dug through my purse. But most of all... I appreciate you feeling me up when you frisked me. It's been awhile, thanks for reminding me!
Yours,
Kiki

...And You Don't Stop...

...And You Don't Stop...

OK... JPE, I thought I made myself pretty clear last time, but apparently even if I spell it out for you, you don't seem to quit. So... let me try it way you'll understand... This lizzle ain't fuckin' fo schizzle, Dawg! Word?!

From: JPD
To: MoMo McHottness
Subject: Giants Among Men

So I take it you won't be making it to the meadowlands on Sunday?
Is it because you are running in the marathon? [ed. "Running a marathon"? This shows exactly how unacquainted JPE and MoMo truly are. "Running a marathon"... fucking peed my pants on that one!] Or is it because you're still recovering from Ghettoween?
No worries!
I hope all is well with you

jpe

My Neighbors Door

My Neighbors Door


A band-aid ain't gonna heal these wounds kid!


Thursday, November 04, 2004

California... California... Here We Come!

California... California... Here We Come!

Tonight the Gods will have shined down upon us once again and given me the resurrection of Chino! This is what's really important, and hopefully it dulls all this exhausting "I'm-moving-to-Canada-ASAP" talk. I will be viewing the bountiful OC at Rachel and Davey's with the rest of the "Power Girls", Gator & guest, MoMo, and Dirty Monkeys! It is going to be a beautiful, beautiful night!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

How To Lose A Girl In 10 Paragraphs...

How To Lose A Girl In 10 Paragraphs...

MoMo just received this latest attempt by JPE via email (and this seriously all derives from a single email) to enquire about a possible date (and mind you these two have met up for a "date" twice and both times LouLou and I have tagged along, as asked). She has allowed me to answer the email for her:

[Kiki's words of advice to JPE: Stay away from 20 questions and possibly take a hint or two or three or four...]

From: JPE
To: MoMo McHottness (replies by Kiki)
Subject: Gh Gh Gh Gh Ghettoween!

How was it? HOW WAS WHAT?
Any face plants on random beds? SO WHAT, ARE YOU LIKE SPYING ON ME NOW?
The costume work out? UH... WORK OUT? HOW SO?
Who had the best one...other than yourself? OBVIOUSLY, KIKI!
Georgia was off the chain...way off! ARE YOU SPEAKING ENGLISH?
I mean I have never been to anything like it. And the Dawgs won which makes it that much better. UH... GO BACK TO FIRST GRADE GUY, YOU MISSPELLED DOGS!
Three days on the beach and about a dozen Peach daiquiris later I am still hurtin'. PEACH DAIQUIRIS? UH... I'M JUST GOING TO ASSUME THAT WAS ALSO A MISTYPE?!
How many peeps creeped down to the ghetto. Any neighbors join the festivities? EASTER ISN'T FOR A FEW MONTHS AND WHO EXACTLY ARE MY NEIGHBORS? SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU JUST WANT TO ASK ME STUPID QUESTIONS (MAKE THAT A RIDICULOUS NUMBER OF STUPID QUESTIONS)!
We hanging out this weekend? IF YOU CAN'T TELL ALREADY, NOT LIKELY!
Cause I knows you don't chill during the week. FALSE. At least not with me. TRUE STORY!
Too much CSI and Shit! YOU ARE WEIRD AS HELL GUY! NOT TO MENTION I'M GETTING TIRED OF THIS SURVEY!
I got great Giants Tickets Sunday and am requesting your presence. SORRY, I HAVE PLANS WITH MY FRIENDS QUESO AND RANCH, AND GIVEN THE EARLIER PEACH DAIQUIRI COMMENT ARE YOU SURE THERE ISN'T SOMEONE WITH TESTICLES YOU'D RATHER INVITE?
I might have to babysit the nephew on Saturday cause my sis is spending the weekend in Miami with her friend Chudney who is turning 30. No babies allowed. IS CHUDNEY A SPICE OR AN HERB? OH, AND NICE TRY, TRYING TO THROW IN THAT BABYSITTING COMMENT BACK THERE, LIKE I'M GOING TO IMMEDIATELY BE ATTRACTED TO YOU... BESIDES, UP CLOSE, KIDS SORTA FREAK ME OUT!
Going to Arizona next Week for 5 days. GREAT, I CAN WALK THE STREETS WITHOUT WEARING THAT SHREK MASK AS A DISGUISE!
And that's my schedule. DID I ASK? UM... NOT SO MUCH! BEAT IT, NERD!
L8 WHAT THE F IS UP WITH THIS EBONIC SHIT, NELLY? LAST I CHECKED YOU WORE A BLAZER TO MEET ME AT THE VILLAGE TAVERN!
jpe



"Holy Shiate! Can you believe that Flip Flappin' Puss-ay just called and quit?"




[court. Comedy Central]




Thanks to my camera phone, the proof is in the puddin'!


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Congrats... No, Seriously!

Congrats... No, Seriously!

It has come to my attention that this past weekend, while I was extremely busy stocking up on Miller High Life and Schlitz, a certain boy I once was "close" to has popped the proverbial question. Seeing as how at one time (just last year if I recall) I was the tasty meat in the chronology of their love sandwich (get it? she's the bread), I would prefer that the thank you card I can only assume she will be sending to me, be directly sent to my home. You're most welcome for showing him the error of his ways and sending him running as fast as his New Balances could take him right back to you. It was my pleasure!

Happy "Four More Years" Day!

Monday, November 01, 2004

... We're a Happy Family!

... We're a Happy Family!

If you ask me, it seems like this new mother thought this one through...
[question to readers: is there any difference between doing this to an 18 month old child versus a 5 month old Rottweiler/Husky mix? Just wondering?)

If she has trouble again she might want to do what most mother's do and just sit the thing in front of the TV while it watches Barney. Especially, if it's this particular Barney episode.
[court. DaddyDesigns.com]

Welllllll... I Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates...

Welllllll... I Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates...


Kiki's (nee She-Ra's) Top 10 Lessons From the Weekend

1. He-Man does not have the same fashion sense and will try to jake your sword all night, leaving you with the smaller one that doesn't make noises when it strikes (and be warned, he will leave and take it with him)!

2. Karma is a bitch and because Klepto MoMo can be found most days with stolen items from the office busting out of her pockets, whatever isn't nailed down will become someone else's personal property by the end of the night (hope you like the shots of my outstanding knockers, THIEF!)

3. Just because people can't follow simple instructions to show up in a costume, doesn't mean they're above drinking the beer you purchased.

4. Vegas Odds: 5:1 that complete strangers are more likely to show up then your own friends!

5. PBR's go down smooth, but not quite as smooth as St. Ides!

6. St. Ides isn't as smooth coming back up!

7. Riddle: If LouLou were to get frisky with a boy... how would he end up with blue balls? (*answer can be found at bottom)

8. When people (i.e. complete strangers) don't seem to get the hint that the party's over and they should exit stage left... one is able to make your point more successfully by fake passing out in the direct epicenter of their congregation, rather then by attempting to freak them out by spooning another chick on the couch.

9. Sleeping in over-the-knee gold lame boots, while perhaps sexy to the onlooker (i.e. Asian straggler that couldn't seem to get my subtleties as mentioned in item #8) is rather uncomfortable when you "come to" three hours later.

10. I am a creature of habit. A little alcohol makes a lotta horny!

*answer: LouLou was dressed as Smurfette


'Til Blog Do You Part!

'Til Blog Do You Part!

This is some funny shit...

Did you see it in there? "Sleepless in Seattle?" "You've Got Mail?" If the couple had been named Harry and Sally I believe we would have completed the fabled Nora Ephron Trifecta. I'm shocked that there are people who still believe the fiction that Meg Ryan is an adorable, natural, All-American girl. Bullshit. She's a mean, cheating hag with a face like a chain-smoking bulldog.

[court. Veiled Conceipt]

Super Krupa

Super Krupa


Rach and Chris

Last night Rach invited me to Heidi Klum's annual bash, but due to my unending post-tiara headache (and constant case of the munchies yesterday) I found myself unable to attend. Above is a photo of Rachel and Chris Wilson (a la Page Six) from the evening. Also enjoyable, the fact that Paris Hilton attended, along with several dozen imposters!

Check out the photos at [PatrickMcMullan.com]


Last Chance!

Last Chance!

It's getting very cold...

[FactCheck.org]