Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Pointdexter on the violin...

Pointdexter on the violin...

This past weekend was a busy one for me. I flew home to Ohio after a long and boring work day on Friday, attended my Aunts funeral on Saturday, and celebrated Easter on Sunday. The following are what I rank as the top 5 quotes coming from this past weekend:

1. "You know who doesn't do drugs?... NERRRRRDDDSSS!"
- T. Mitch

2. "Did anybody see that lady with the oxygen tank? I thought we were about to get a two for one!"
- My second cousin, Dustin, at the funeral. He delivered the eulogy as well. Touching.

3. "Fabrice called, he wants his marbles back!"
- Kiki in reference to someone acting psycho.

4. "... And this must be Carolyn!"
- Great Uncle "Grinny" to Kiki. Mind you, my aunt Carolyn is 62... I'm just shy of 26. I'm quitting smoking immediately.

5. "Pretty soon people are going to start calling me 'Schiavo', cause somebody should remove my feeding tube for God's sake!"
- One drunk Budge, in reference to possible weight gain.

Just to press home the point that my family and friends are highly disturbed, behold the following IM I received yesterday from my sister-in-law, Erica and my brother, Rand:

Erica: Hey Kiki, wanted to let you know we partied with a down syndrome girl on Easter. She was wearing a pink, furry Von Dutch hat that looked like cotton candy. She was also drinking St. Paulie girl. We tried to take pics with the phone, but they did not come out so good. Rand claims "it is illegal to serve retards". His words.
Kiki: You both are going to hell!
Erica: Not before you!
Erica: She was 4'6" and at least 150 lbs and it was at a beach bar ( Ed. they live in Palm Beach).
Rand: That was Erica previously.
Rand: The Rand does not typically write in the third person!
Rand: "Cocaine's a helluva drug." - Ric James
Kiki: Wonder if he still feels that way, now that he's superfreaking with Satan!
Rand: Are you kidding? He's dancing in fields of coke right now!
Kiki: Speaking of which you should hear the quote T. Mitch said this weekend (insert above quote)
Rand: As Ogre said in ROTN...
Rand: NERDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm surprised it's not illegal to serve my brother and I!

Friday, March 25, 2005

Australia Always Has the Finest Exports

Australia Always Has the Finest Exports

Last night I went to see Jared and his band Demander at The Delancey. And had the pleasure of seeing Starky as well. For myself I found hints of The Cure in their style, but according to their website this Australian clan best describes themselves and their style in the following:

Drunken journalists, stuck in a rut day-jobbers, council estate big mouths and life-serving gaol birds. School ties, hand-knitted rainbow ponchos and fingerless gloves.

It's subject matter not normally addressed by your average rock'n'roll combo but that's part of what makes Starky so appealing. Never content with relying on cliché the band marries melody and urgency to create a sound all their own and a record worthy of one of the years finest.

'Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre' is Starky's debut album and was produced by Australian punk rock legend and Radio Birdman frontguy Rob Younger and co-produced, engineered and mixed by Wayne Connolly (You Am I, Silverchair, The Vines etc). It was recorded in just nine days and captures the excitement and energy the band is known for creating live.

I recommend adding them to your collection if you haven't already.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Career Musical Chairs

Career Musical Chairs

My current occupation of the week now gives me the title of "Leasing Specialist", which is odd, since not only have I been an Art Dealer since about sixth grade, but I haven't paid my own rent in as long a time. I expected to make this jump as a helpful gesture towards my now former boss for a period not extending a months time. And in the four days that I've officially been a "Leasing Specialist", I can see quite a few things that make my day enjoyable.

First and foremost is the aspect of being a voyeur. Not only do I have the pleasure of knowing what little you want to tell me, but I also get the joy of looking up your credit, which surprisingly tells one much about your history, and in turn whether or not your a liar. I've been too frightened to look up my own, being quite certain it's far worse than anything that's come my way thus far. Just take the 29 year old lawyer for example that I researched yesterday. Who knew that someone making six figures would feel the need to not only shop at Fashion Bug, but to enroll for a credit card? Another fine time had yesterday was when doing some "independent research" on a model/actor, I found several images of the stud on and I granted the apartment on the size of his boobs alone. I'm also aware of the Psychotherapist that apparently began dating his neighbor (whom is just shy of 18 years younger than he), only to divorce his wife in the past few months and now taking up a new habitat with the lawyer. This stuff is as good as any programming I've saved on DVR.

Of course the amount of cursing that registers through my head per second is astronomical. Knowing just how many people on average were born in the 80's and procuring a heftier salary (or any at all) compared to myself puts things nice and tight into the old perspective pile. Overall the best part of the job, is through all this knowledge, I've managed to figure out a nice long list of possible suitors, and have enough knowledge to not only afford several columns for a spreadsheet, but now am able to rightly use these towards a possible ranking! Let the research continue!

Update: OK, this just in, a chick that works at fucking Glamour Shots at the Queens Mall makes more than me, and I'm guessing a good number of you! Peace be with me!

Come see Jared and Demander tonight at the Delancey at 10PM!

Friday, March 18, 2005

Kiki's About to Hulk Out!

Kiki's About to Hulk Out!

I've been told by several people in my life that I am the happiest "fired" person they know. Given my string of "down-on-your-luck" events lately, I'm shocked that I still present myself this way. I've informed my friends and my Mother alike that when they least expect it, and likely very soon, I'm going to snap. I'm not positive, but I think all the signs are there that this just may come to fruition verry soon (and no I did not spell that wrong like my last boyfriend always did, but rather was trying to be emphatic, just as my Mom had supposed he was in his thank you notes to her).

As you all know I am currently training my replacement and it has given me a well to draw from over here. On Wednesday coworkers at my going away ("or is she?") party tried to make a top three list of who might just go postal at the office. Oddly, I was not mentioned, but rather the three usual suspects of the creepy long haired pervert man, the quiet oversized jean shirt wearing lady, and the hardly lingual mail cart pusher topped the list out. But I'm pretty sure I'm about to crack. I'm on my fifth day here teaching this woman, who I assume has had 20 more years of work experience than I, how to do my job... but yet, we're still working on the 2 page set of art notes that I dictated to her on Monday. So basically, typing isn't in the skill sets. The speed at which she is currently working is enough to make me go ape shit all over the office. In fact, I've taken up emailing others in the office from my sidekick to ensure that I don't blow my top. And as if that weren't bad enough she at one point asked me “whatever is that noise” in reference to the incoming mail noise on my sidekick. I’m pretty sure I’ve got her ready to kick the can and am able to say with certainty at this late hour in the day she’s definitely pondered the thought of quitting more than a few times.

I’ve had a rough week of drinking on this end and last night was no exception. Rachel, Kelly, and I went to Patrick McMullen’s St. Patrick’s Day party and later to a viewing party for the newest episode of their show. Free champagne once again (which turns out to is my kryptonite) has kept me out much longer on average then I should. My replacement, whom we’ll call Mary Ellen (cause that’s what her parents call her) is trying to go tête a tête with Kiki over here and I’m pretty sure I can guarantee she’ll lose. I believe at some point it must get frustrating for her to have me constantly say “no” and “you made another mistake” while peering over her shoulder all day rolling my eyes (this is where I point out I did happen to receive a write-in vote in high school superlatives for “girl most likely to roll her eyes at you”). All the same, I don’t think it is necessary for me to have to repeat myself. I can only keep my cool for so long and 5 days seems to be my limit. Earlier today I was commenting on noticing my first major wrinkle, and as you can imagine it is not the typical crows feet which come from excessive smiling I hear, but rather between my eyes, which I believe is mapped by scowling quite often. Seems true enough. She then informed me that I should pack on the moisturizer cause she can tell I have dry skin and that it must be dehydrated. First of all, I don’t recall asking for beauty advice from the marm in the knee length blazer, but I kept it simple and informed her that “I think it might have more to do with the liter of vodka I ingested over the past 12 hours”. That seemed to shut her up. But as if that weren’t bad enough, I couldn’t keep my annoyed nature under wraps when we neared the afternoon. She commented to me “do you smell like… food?” To which I replied “I smell food, but do I smell like food? No.” Well as you can imagine Mary Ellen didn’t take too kindly to my serious reply. Excuse me for taking your valley girl speech pattern literal. She informed me that I should respect my elders and that apparently I missed that lesson. Thanks for the observation, perhaps I can allow you one…

Thankfully, tomorrow is the birthday party for myself and Lulu, or “Kikifest 2005” as Bernie has brilliantly renamed it. I’ve taken stock so far from the registry I put out to thoughtfully suggest ideas for presents (I just want to make others lives easier, really) and so far I’m aware that I will be receiving one top shelf vibrator. So one way or another I can be certain tomorrow’s going to end on a good note, if not a falsetto one!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Rachel, Momo, Kiki

Gandolf's the New Sofia Coppola!

Gandolf's the New Sofia Coppola!

My very own personal Gandolf, Robin, has managed to go and get herself photographed for the Marc Jacobs website (click on the "LA"). My favorite part of this feat is that it manages to mention her by name as the LA stores very first buyer (never did I doubt). Even funnier, this morning when I reread our IM's from last night on my Sidekick I noticed that I drunkenly demanded her to choose at once which is better "Marc Jacobs in Petunia or Marc Jacobs in Cherry Blossom?" I really do know the pressing issues we face today!

PS. I've observed Robin, that you reverted back to spelling your name with a "y" just like in middle school! Excellent decision!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Have You Seen This Woman?

Have You Seen This Woman?

I know I have been MIA for a bit, but I was busy all last week serving my civic duty (i.e. bending others to my will). My practice for world domination went just as planned and I had others changing their minds to stand by me in a matter of minutes. I believe it was my "poke the bear" theory in reference to the defendants actions that eventually won them all over.

This week I find myself training my newest replacement and have internally gone apeshit on several occasions. As Momo can attest, my irritation level hits all time highs quite easily, so just the thought, let alone the action, of having to repeat myself sets me off. I SAID... the thought of repeating myself... anyways.

I have been busy riding Rachel's coattails and enjoying the good life that MTV provides their whores... hee hum, excuse me, talent (just kidding Rach). I have to admit that I rather enjoyed the first episode. It may be just because I had the pleasure of watching it with Rachel, Kelly, Ali, and Millie and get to first hand laugh at the actions that I found it so enjoyable, who knows.

(Warning, warning: You may experience name dropping) This past weekend Rachel and I had a nice time, I even got to witness a secret club meeting of MTV reality stars as Jamie "sure-it's-normal-for-my-dog-to-hump-my-leg-like-this" Gleicher stopped Rachel and I after we left Bungalow 8. I would like to point out that she managed to mention to the two of us that she was "just on her way to meet Mary-Kate"... of course you are! We polished off, I believe half a dozen bottles of grey goose at NA where I factually became best friends with the fabulous Alexandra Richards. Later, thanks to my favorite toe headed footballer, Mr. Jeremy Shockey, I got to enjoy the pleasures of drinking Cristal all night at Marquee (although I believe more ended up on the front of my shirt then anywhere else), just narrowly managing to avoid accompanying he and his friends to Scores in the early morning hours.

This coming Saturday LuLu and I are throwing a joint birthday party for ourselves (as if there is any other way), where I have challenged anyone and everyone to try and beat me at Beirut (I've spent many an hour perfecting the art of the arch)!

All in all, my life as of recent has been a little bitter and a lot of sweet!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

It's a Girl!!!

It's a Girl!!!

One would think that with all the uncertainty in my life right now I would be clouded by a string of bad days. One after another. But alas, this is so not the case. I think I must choose to be happy or something, cause on more than one occasion I’ve been told as of late that I’m the happiest fired person they’ve ever seen. I can’t say for certain why this is, but I have a theory. I told someone recently that shopping was my Prozac. Today feels as though I took an unregulated amount of Prozac. The reason can be summed up in this birth announcement I sent to my friends:

I just wanted to share with everyone that I am in possession of one beautiful Balenciaga bag. It is the most glorious possession I have ever owned. It feels great, it looks great, and it smells like heaven. It was worth every penny and I would do it again! As I told Momo, I will carry it on my arm proudly when I meet my landlords for a future civil suit!

May you all find the kind of happiness I’m experiencing in your life some day!

My happiness was truly at fever pitch this morning and as I ran around my office (yes still drudging away here) to show others my newborn, my heart was beating at an exaggerated pace and at one point I not only started to well up with happiness, but my brow began to sweat. Thanks to a certain fella that I will be accompanying to the Motely Crue Reunion Tour this evening I will be able to show my baby around on her first night in her new home. This might end up being one of the best days I’ve ever known!