Now Let's Go To Rachel Champion...

Something came to my attention when I read Rachel's profile on MTV and I needed it to be addressed immediately, so I beamed a message to Rach on her sidekick out in L.A.:

Kiki: I just read your profile on MTV... you wanted to be a weather girl??????????????
Rachel: Yep
Rachel: Like Hilary on Fresh Prince
Rachel: And do Playboy
Kiki: Well, you've at least gotten down to your undies
Kiki: and... it's partly sunny!

Professional Mustache Rider

The following email was actually sent out from the desk of Kiki just moments ago in reference to a job involving mustache archiving for an upcoming film:

Jason,
As quite possibly the only woman out there to express interest in helping, I’d like to offer up my services. I’m not sure if this is a “males only” kind of club, but I think the concept is brilliant and have an excess of time on my hands as it were. I work in the art field, so I think I might have an advantage of appreciating the conceptual and aesthetic nature of a mustache far greater then just anybody. If you are still looking for someone to assist you with archiving images, please let me know. If not, best of luck and I’ll look forward to seeing your finished project!
Kiki

Later when I protested Momo's request to post this due to my fear others would find interest and therefore present themselves as my competition, Momo responded "Don't worry Kiki, I don't think people will actually be gunning for this!" I sure hope she's right!

Thanks G-UNIT!

My Friday has begun just as it should. I just received an email from Momo containing the above photo and a message forwarded on from her Father (who've I've had the dare I say... pleasure of meeting but once) saying, "Make sure Kiki sees this. I think she will really appreciate it". It's always good to know that your first impression was not only a lasting one, but a correct one!

I Always Knew, O Brew!

Ohio University is back in the top 5 for party schools according to the Princeton Review:

"Ohio University is the perfect mixture of business with pleasure," students tell us, adding, "We get the work done on the weekdays so we can party hard on the weekends." Most agree that OU is "a rip-roaring good-time party school." Much of OU social life involves the "19 bars along a two-block stretch of the main drag in town. Each bar has its own personality, and people can always be found at their favorite, so it is easy to meet up with acquaintances because they will probably always be at the same bar." Of course, you have to be 21 to get into a bar, so "for the first two years you're here, house parties rule." The exceptions are the Homecoming and Halloween events, both of which are huge, well-loved celebrations."

I personally believe that was a weak sell compared to my personal experience at OU and I'm shocked that they didn't at least break the top 10 for "Reefer Madness". They must have only interviewed the nerds on the West Green. All the same, congratulations to my fellow Bobcats on a job well done. May years of fellow collegiates carry on the debauchery their forefathers (like Paul Newman, Matt Lauer, and Richard Dean Anderson) sought before them.

Other placing's for Ohio University:
#7 "Lots of Beer"
#18 "Their Students (Almost) Never Study
#20 "Major Frat/Sorority Scene"
#20 "Happy Students"

They Sure Gave Me My Space!

Tonight is the opening of my friends and former coworkers yearly show at Phillips, de Pury & Co. Although they decided they no longer have the need for Impressionist and Modern works in their auction house (herego one particular underpaid member of this Specialist Department) I still love the art handlers and suggest all come and check out their wonderfully appreciated work!

This Little Light of Mine...

A close personal friend of Kiki's wasn't born into any sort of religion. In fact, to say her family fears it in a way would be very accurate as I once heard her describe the Lord's Prayer as "that chant thingy". I've found myself today in one of the funnier conversations ever existed with said friend, or anybody for that matter. Perhaps they came for my knowledge after I was caught drunk this weekend singing "The animals they came on, they came on by twosies, twosies..." to back up that unicorns at one point were real, only to become extinct by an error of Noah's:

Friend #1: Thank God she was a Jew (no pun intended)!
(At this point I am assuming she believes Jesus and God to be one in the same)
Kiki: Religious Lesson for the Day: Jews believe in God. Jews do not believe that Jesus was the son of God. Jesus was a Jew.

(I have also at this point called in reinforcements for entertainment sharing)
Friend #2: I bet she thinks "Moses" is their God!
Kiki to Friend #2: Like Allah!
Friend #2 to Kiki: Exactly!

(Back to Kiki and Friend #1)
Friend #1: Wow... that's very interesting. Jesus was a Jew. The things I never knew. So who are they to say who's the son of who?! Stupid people.
(Friend #2 has peed her pants after my passing on of the above quote)
Kiki: The Romans came into Israel and crucified Jesus (on his own turf nonetheless), which is odd since their church is one in the same that believes he was who he says he was.
Friend #1: Why don't the Romans mind their own business? Crazy fools! Who's dumb enough to kill God's son anyways. Sheeesh!
(It's at this point that I really start to debate going deeper with this conversation, but she interrupts me with a plethora more of her thoughts)
Friend #1: Well, it's the truth. Isn't this why the wise men were created... to tell those Roman fucks how stupid they are? I should've been a wise woman. I would have changed the world. I would've been the only one smart enough to tell people that murdering God's kin was NOT a good idea! (Certain comments retracted to save humanity) Long live the Christmas Tree!
Friend #1 (She now can't get enough): ... And an allelujia and an amen!
(I at this point became engrossed in work, which prompted the following):
Friend #1: Hello, did I scare you... why are you ignoring me?!
Kiki: No, sorry, I was currently trying to work up a Rider.
Friend #1: A rider???
Kiki: Moving on from church to state... Legal lesson for the day:
A "Rider" is a legal document or schedule pertaining to a contract as an insert of sorts. It typically details conditions and requirements.

(At this point, Friend #1 is so proud of herself that she has forwarded our conversation on to Friend #3 who returns with an email to the two of us)
Friend #3: Although wise ones, the Jews believed in Jesus, just not as the son of God...
Kiki: Correct you are [name retracted]! I give you a Gold Star for the day... but not of the 6 pointed variety! Ba dum dum CHING!
Friend #3: Huh?
Kiki: The Star of David... you two need some help!
Friend #1: Well I if I don't know about Jesus, I definitely don't know this guy, David!

Gunz Up!

My own personal "Gandolph" from L.A. is flying in this evening for a visit with yours truly. The one and only Robin is gracing me with her presence and once again I'm left to wonder/anticipate my fate for the next four days. I expect to end up in either the tundra of Novia Scotia or bareback in Guadelajara. These are not certainities, not in the sense that I am positive I will watch endless hours of the Gotti family, brand myself with another tattoo, and take in several friends art shows over the course of the next four days. I simply cannot wait for my favorite self-described "baller" to arrive!

Also, check out Rachel tonight on The Insider with Moostache O'Brien!

Seperated at Birth!

[crosswalk courtesy of Gawker, photo of JdeG... courtesy of every photo she takes]

Girl's Just Wanna...

Like a typical girl, when things aren't quite as they should be, I run head on into changing my appearance. I got my haircut last night and next week my favorite visting baller from LA, Robin and I are scheduled for more tat's. But this time I may just have gone too far. It’s time for an intervention!

My impending unemployment (as I am still currently working indefinitely) is having an adverse effect on me and I cannot stop buying things. It is widely known that someday I would like to own my own thrift store, that’s of course if my aspirations to become the most successful Madame in the new millennium don’t pan out. So I’ve now officially spent more money on threads from years past then one should… especially one about to claim unemployment. And if that weren’t bad enough, I’ve now talked myself into purchasing not just the oversized Gucci hobo bag that I had been eyeing for some time, but decided I deserved the Rolls Royce of arm wear in a Balenciaga motorcycle bag as well. I’m claiming it as a birth right. I feel like a junky. I’m on this incredible high right now, happy and content. Nothing can stop me. But I know, buyer’s remorse that it is, soon… very soon… I will come to regret this act of stupidity. Perhaps the guilt and remorse won’t actually surface until I find myself shoving all my shit into the Gooch and Balenci as carry-on’s on my way back to Ohio to live with my mom cause I can no longer afford this damn city!

PS. Don't forget about Bernie's festivities this evening... sure to be a good time!

Viva la Rachel!

I feel like a proud Mother the first time their little girl gets shot in her undies for a national magazine! Rachel has officially set the bar pretty high for the race to declare who is my hottest friend!

[photo courtesty STUFF mag]

My mom always said it was good to set goals and with this latest turn of events in my life, I’ve found something to focus on. Thanks to Bernie, I’ve been able to scientifically identify my level of sluttiness. I’ve weighed in at a dismal and paltry 58%! What a joke! It’s clearly my lack of anal that’s put me in pre-K on this one. I now know it’s time to bear down so to speak and focus my energy on the goal at hand. Well... I best be off, I’ve made steps to rectify this embarrassment and have an appointment to suck off the Puerto Rican mail guy in the paper closet!

Things to do Today:

Seek out this man, Gene Lyons, over at the Blytheville (I didn't know either) Courier and punish him for his harsh words towards my friend Charles "Bald Rabbit" Davis and his appearance on CBS News last week. That of course will all take place after I've stopped laughing my ass off! Mr. Lyons says of my friend and favorite part time rapper:

I recently saw some puppy on CBS News boasting about his investment acumen. Mr. Confident Investor was 27. I couldn't help noticing that he looked like the "before" half of a Hair Club for Men commercial.

BURNNNNN!!!! Your turn... What you got Rabbit? Check, check...

[read the entire cat fight here]

If you were unexpectedly surrounded by a shit storm and faced with the dilemma of changing your life immediately, how does one come across their best suited options? Cause right now I have no fucking clue. I keep catching myself relaxed and excited that soon I will no longer have a job and forgetting that that also means I soon will have no money as well. My mom has consistently asked me what I think my next step will be. As I see it my options are three fold: continue on with the plan of possibly attending Columbia grad school in the fall (assuming they’d even have the likes of me), take up a teaching fellowship for very little pay but all the while getting to enjoy my summers, or roundhouse kick that post war contemporary gallery that called me out of the blue this morning regarding a position. All of these seem like responsible and well thought out options. The problem is… I pretty much want to do ABSOLUTELY nothing - - especially with summer just around the corner. My head is dancing right now, not with visions of sugarplums, but with butt loads of margaritas just after I’ve wiped the sleep out from my eyes on a crisp, warm Indian summer day. I hear the words “letting go” and dance with excitement that I can spend countless daylight hours traipsing through New York’s thrift stores, searching for just the right clutch, bolero, or 1970’s JC Penny’s secretarial inspired dress, all the while buzzing with the fancy that tequila causes one when the suns still up. Does that sound like a plan that requires some looking into to anyone else?

God's Got My Number Apparently!

So not only did I get fired on Friday... which I'm quite psyched about... but upon my return home from work that day, after checking my mailbox, I received... fucking jury duty! This has to be some sort of joke! I am now currently looking into two possible career moves a) realizing my dream to become the most successful Madame or b) a kept woman. Now accepting applications!

UPDATE: I'm not sure exactly what I'm putting out there in the universe, but my Mother just called me to inform me that my Aunt has passed away this morning. I'm going to offer those that know me a bit of advice... stay as far away from me as possible. Jeez! I'm buying a lottery ticket and a bakers dozen of those "scratchers" after work. Pretty sure it's time we got a little balance back up in here!

"You're No Longer the Right Fit"

Well, I knew I should have stayed as far away from Bernie as I could last week, but in his own words "it's like a disease going around", as I have been all sorts of canned!

I would like to think this frees up my schedule, but alas... no, I've been told they need me to stick around for a few weeks to show others how to do my job. Ohhh, the irony of being told you can't do your job and then wanting you to show others how it's done. On a pleasant note, I made my boss cry with regret as he told me how "pleasant" I was to be around. I can leave (or rather not leave as it were) on a happy note knowing this.

This leads us to my weekend plans. They now include (as they always did): UPDATE: Margaritas at lunch, Beer, Vodka, Vodka, MT's Birthday, Something strong without a name, Vodka, The Pot (this would account for my pleasantness), Vodka, Vodka, and Vodka (this extra one is for the pink slip).

Update: I've asked LuLu if my sudden good mood (think a chimpanzee spazzing out in a locked cage) is evidence to support that I am in fact bipolar. Her reply: Nope, just an alcoholic. I love my friends!

PoweR Girls

The PR is about to be in full force for a show about... well... PR. Rachel's profile has finally hit the MTV website! Next up is the layout for Stuff Magazine.

Check out the other profiles of the ladies, including Lizzie, Miss Kelly, Millie, and Ali!

Update: The official page for PoweR Girls is up and running over at MTV. Now Momo, The Wej, and yours truly are mentioned on Rachel's profile. I feel like such a star!

Things That Make Me Sad: Example 1

I guess it's safe to say there's no more Jonz in my Bonz...