I've been told by several people in my life that I am the happiest "fired" person they know. Given my string of "down-on-your-luck" events lately, I'm shocked that I still present myself this way. I've informed my friends and my Mother alike that when they least expect it, and likely very soon, I'm going to snap. I'm not positive, but I think all the signs are there that this just may come to fruition verry soon (and no I did not spell that wrong like my last boyfriend always did, but rather was trying to be emphatic, just as my Mom had supposed he was in his thank you notes to her).
As you all know I am currently training my replacement and it has given me a well to draw from over here. On Wednesday coworkers at my going away ("or is she?") party tried to make a top three list of who might just go postal at the office. Oddly, I was not mentioned, but rather the three usual suspects of the creepy long haired pervert man, the quiet oversized jean shirt wearing lady, and the hardly lingual mail cart pusher topped the list out. But I'm pretty sure I'm about to crack. I'm on my fifth day here teaching this woman, who I assume has had 20 more years of work experience than I, how to do my job... but yet, we're still working on the 2 page set of art notes that I dictated to her on Monday. So basically, typing isn't in the skill sets. The speed at which she is currently working is enough to make me go ape shit all over the office. In fact, I've taken up emailing others in the office from my sidekick to ensure that I don't blow my top. And as if that weren't bad enough she at one point asked me “whatever is that noise” in reference to the incoming mail noise on my sidekick. I’m pretty sure I’ve got her ready to kick the can and am able to say with certainty at this late hour in the day she’s definitely pondered the thought of quitting more than a few times.
I’ve had a rough week of drinking on this end and last night was no exception. Rachel, Kelly, and I went to Patrick McMullen’s St. Patrick’s Day party and later to a viewing party for the newest episode of their show. Free champagne once again (which turns out to is my kryptonite) has kept me out much longer on average then I should. My replacement, whom we’ll call Mary Ellen (cause that’s what her parents call her) is trying to go tête a tête with Kiki over here and I’m pretty sure I can guarantee she’ll lose. I believe at some point it must get frustrating for her to have me constantly say “no” and “you made another mistake” while peering over her shoulder all day rolling my eyes (this is where I point out I did happen to receive a write-in vote in high school superlatives for “girl most likely to roll her eyes at you”). All the same, I don’t think it is necessary for me to have to repeat myself. I can only keep my cool for so long and 5 days seems to be my limit. Earlier today I was commenting on noticing my first major wrinkle, and as you can imagine it is not the typical crows feet which come from excessive smiling I hear, but rather between my eyes, which I believe is mapped by scowling quite often. Seems true enough. She then informed me that I should pack on the moisturizer cause she can tell I have dry skin and that it must be dehydrated. First of all, I don’t recall asking for beauty advice from the marm in the knee length blazer, but I kept it simple and informed her that “I think it might have more to do with the liter of vodka I ingested over the past 12 hours”. That seemed to shut her up. But as if that weren’t bad enough, I couldn’t keep my annoyed nature under wraps when we neared the afternoon. She commented to me “do you smell like… food?” To which I replied “I smell food, but do I smell like food? No.” Well as you can imagine Mary Ellen didn’t take too kindly to my serious reply. Excuse me for taking your valley girl speech pattern literal. She informed me that I should respect my elders and that apparently I missed that lesson. Thanks for the observation, perhaps I can allow you one…
Thankfully, tomorrow is the birthday party for myself and Lulu, or “Kikifest 2005” as Bernie has brilliantly renamed it. I’ve taken stock so far from the registry I put out to thoughtfully suggest ideas for presents (I just want to make others lives easier, really) and so far I’m aware that I will be receiving one top shelf vibrator. So one way or another I can be certain tomorrow’s going to end on a good note, if not a falsetto one!